It's a CRAZY road...our Attitude can change that.

The difficulty in life's challenges is the ability to keep ahead of the bumps that sometimes throw you off course.
My favorite moments are when the road is freshly paved, the sun shining through a break of clouds yet blocked by the sunglasses resting on the bridge of my nose. The radio blares a favorite tune. Life is great. The trees, fences, and electrical posts lining the side of the pavement fly-by in a whir as life moves forward at an incredible yet wonderful speed.

This is the highway of freedom and joy, where the stop signs have been thrown out, stop-lights are prohibited and the speed bumps that seem to slow down the ride have all been smoothed out for quick stream-lining.
There have been several moments of clarity and beauty in this process of life where the road feels to stretch out so far that the upcoming turns, bridges, construction or the crossing of deer are impossible to see. Life is blessed and beautiful. Life is calm.
At some point I know, just as we all do, that the road is never completely straight nor is it free of construction. Signs pop up alerting us of 'falling rocks' or a shift in the pavement. Those are moments where we grip the steering wheel extra tight and mutter, "Hold on to your britches, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."
Most of the time, in fact I would bet about 99%, warnings do not come... or maybe we're not on the lookout and have missed the giant sign that reads 'Watch out! Sharp turn ahead'.
You've got going so fast that the car screeches and nearly catapults you through the window as the 90-degree turn whips you against the seat-belt. Luckily, you've got some protection to keep you safe. No matter the case, you breathe deeply in as your life almost came to an end.

What is all this talking about? Well, you are much too smart not to catch the drift.

Oftentimes I find that life isn't quite as planned, and if you must know, I honestly have quit planning in most ways. There are too many variables to set up your life and hope it goes down that path of perfection. There are too many people in this world that we can't avoid the butterfly affect. What we can plan on is our attitude.

I wake up some days feeling entirely overwhelmed and blessed with how amazing my life is...and some days anxiety greets me like an ice ball to the face. The best solution I have found for the latter is being positive.

Think of all the times you've been cut-off by jerks and how that person deserves this and that, you may find road-rage suddenly controlling you. By the time you arrive at work, you are so worked-up by this driver (who is now well off with their day), that you can't seem to forget how big of a jerk they were. You tell all your co-workers, then your spouse, and then you stew about it while driving the next day thinking how angry you'll be if someone cuts you off again.

Wow.

Or...same scenario. You think to yourself, 'wow, they are not paying attention. What a jerk, they could have caused a major wreck BUT
I'm not going to let them ruin my day. Today is going to be great. I have that meeting with my boss for a possible promotion, we are celebrating mom's birthday tonight. Oh well someone cut me off. Today will be great!'

The two will result in a drastically different day. The Power of Attitude. Our individual road in life is different and unique and some of us have it pretty stinkin' hard. What I love is that we get to choose how we respond and what our attitude will be in every situation. That is part of mastering ourselves and our natural man desire to get stuck in the negative. It takes a lot to always be positive, especially on extremely trying days, but the more you practice the better you'll get at it and the more you will realize that there really is no other way to be.
Now, I'll get off my soap box...

Rochelle
 Now listen to 'The Strangest Secret' by Earl Nightingale

Freely Given. Freely Receive.

"To be admitted to His presence, we must be more than clean. We must also be changed." (Elder Dallin H. Oaks. With Full Purpose of Heart, 126-127)

In this particular time of life, there is something that I have never quite experienced in such depth as I am now. In fact, it is regarding a principle that always felt like it should be so natural and easy.
How wrong I have been.

The Forgiving of the Self.
This itself is difficult because with forgiving yourself you must acknowledge and take accountability for those things that were done in the wrong. (Sometimes, it is blaming ourselves for actions or things that were not our doing, yet we feel responsible and take the brunt of the guilt and sin.)
Taking responsibility for our wrongdoings leaves us vulnerable as it strips away our pride, leaving us to recognize ourselves as the mere mortals we are, with a vision of how GREATLY we need THE Savior.

Depending on the action being repented for, the depth and the far-reaching consequences it may have had/or has, it truly can be easy to sit in our guilt and anguish, wondering if we can ever become more than a sinner. This is a deceptive tool of the adversary. To trap us in the wallowing stage of guilt and self-loathing will surely drag down our soul into an even deeper trap.
With this, it is vital to remember that Christ's sacrifice on the cross was not for a specific list of souls, and those not on this list would perish.
Sounds absurd when saying it aloud, right? Yes, it does. That is because the atonement is specifically for every, single soul that has come or ever will come to this Earth. Do not deny yourself the atonement for a sin/transgression because Satan has trapped you into believing that Jesus did not suffer for all your mistakes, however small or large they may be.
As stated in The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox he writes: "Christs' gifts are FREELY given, but they must also be freely RECEIVED." (page 38)
Gerald N. Lund wrote: Remember that one of Satan's strategies, especially with good people, is to whisper in their ears: 'If you are not perfect, you are failing.' This is ONE OF HIS MOST effective deceptions...We should recognize that God is pleased with EVERY effort we make-no matter how faltering-to better ourselves." (Are We Expected to Achieve Perfection in This Life? page 207)


The Forgiving of Others

Consider this perspective:
I will forgive someone as long as they acknowledge their wrongdoing and receive proper justice.

Unfortunately, this skewed thinking is something I have personally experienced and am currently working through.
There has been extremely deep scarring in my life due to the actions of someone whom I hold and love most dearly. Because of the irreversible damage to trust and intimate parts of a relationship, I knew that eventually with a lot of work and spiritual growth I could learn to forgive this person, however, the relationship was such that it had not only emotionally ripped me apart, but had destroyed me mentally and spiritually. The damage was affecting me physically to the point that I still remember sitting in front of my Cardiologist in review of my current health. He said, "You had no option but to leave, my dear. The long-term mistreatment would have cut your life expectancy drastically." He predicted that the stress of the mistreatment and what it was doing to my heart, mind, soul and physical body would cut more than 20 years off of my life.

I knew when he spoke those words he was right. The spirit testified of this truth, and my soul hungered to get away. It was very literally fighting to survive.

So how do we forgive?
I imagined coming to terms with the unhealthy treatment I received over many years and being able to audibly say, "All is forgiven!" And then all that hurt, anger, and deep dark emotions would be gone and in their place peace would fill my soul.

This is not the case. Such dark experiences that damage ones heart, soul, mind and body not only take time, but a changing of ourselves as well. Not just a changing, but a healing and renewal.
What? Am I saying that in order to forgive someone we have to change ourselves? Yes. I am.
The Atonement is always a refiner's fire, because whether we are the ones asking for forgiveness or extending it, there is a mighty change that must happen in our hearts. We begin to truly see how deeply the Savior loves each and every one of us. He loves those that have been hurt and he loves those that have done the hurting.
Up until this moment in my life, I never truly understood the depth of forgiveness.
It is not our responsibility to decide if the ones who have hurt us deserve forgiveness. Instead, we must change our hearts to love them as the Savior does so that we may become as He is. So that we may see with an eternal perspective how our Father in Heaven and Savior weep not only for our hurt, but for the transgressor. Because they too are suffering, just in a different way.

With this perspective, it is easy to understand now why the Savior commanded, "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another, for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. 10. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is require to forgive all men. 11. And ye ought to say in your heart - let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to they deeds." (D&C 64: 9 -11)

Now you may wonder if I have forgiven. Not entirely. It is a daily effort. Walking into this refining fire has ripped me apart, made me vulnerable, and opened my eyes to those things that must be changed within myself, those weaknesses that are holding me back from progressing.
I look forward to the day when I have stepped through this refining fire (I'm sure more will come), with a heartfelt extending of forgiveness. Not just out of obligation to do it, but because my soul has truly transformed.

The Savior's sacrifice on the cross is enough, it has always been so and will always continue to be. 

"The final judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts - what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts - what we have become...you will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived." (With Full Purpose of Heart, page 38. Dallin H. Oaks.)

Ribs and Hearts

In the Garden of Eden, God took a rib from Adam and made Eve, a helpmeet. As I talked with a really amazing friend tonight, she shared with me this symbolism: Why a rib? Because it is next to Adam's heart. Under his arm for protection. And never to be trampled under his feet.

Today I awoke feeling pretty darn great. With a list of really great things to get done during my 'me' time, I dressed quickly in to gym clothes and planned which temple session to attend.
Then I kinda, sorta got pushed into a big pit of mud, I rolled around in it for a bit, wallowed, went under a few times, then realized - insert infamous light bulb of enlightenment here - how long would I choose to stay in the mud? How long will I roll around? How long will I go under the surface and hold my breath?

Though we get pushed in the mud, there comes a time to get out of the pit and wash off (or hose it off with a giant firemans' nozzle).

Let me take you back to a time not too long ago that came to memory after today.

It was November last year, a particularly difficult month (so was December and January and...you get the point. It's been touch and go.) and my parents were visiting. The hopelessness, sense of loss, heartache and grief seemed to consume every part of my being. The boys were in bed, sleeping, and I lay in bed sobbing so uncontrollably that it felt as if my eyeballs were on the verge of exploding (you all know that feeling!). There is a sense of grief and heartache that is so overwhelming that it literally feels as though the heart can not take another beat. I had arrived at that moment.

My heart has been broken physically, I mean, I have part of a pig in me! (Isn't that pretty cool?) And now my heart was emotionally and spiritually drained. Coming in to the room my dad exhales, "Girl! What are you doin'?"
"I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. It's too hard." Wracked with sobs the words were difficult to understand.
"Don't give me that. Do you realize what you've done already in this life, girl? What you've survived?"
Snotty nose, snotty chin, snotty neck as it runs down...someone PLEASE get me a kleenex already!
By now, my dad is sitting right up next to me on the bed, one hand over me, leaning in, and just offering that moment of daddy-daughter love, his eyes watery. If I thought this was killing me, oh boy! It was killing my dad.
"Would you like a blessing? You need to ask me though."
"Yes, dad, will you give me a blessing?"

What is a priesthood blessing?CLICK HERE

He blessed me with many things, among them that I would be able to sleep. And I did. I slept so peacefully and so soundly and with great dreams of comfort. I will share a little of this, but there are sacred moments, Tender Mercies given to me by a loving Heavenly Father that I will reserve for my memory alone.

My Grandma has been gone for some time now, since 2004. It had been 10 years at this point in time and how I missed her!! I thought of her so often through these years, and sometimes I would talk as if she were with me. In moments of quiet, "I miss you, Grandma. I love you. I wish you were here with me. I need one of your hugs right now."

In this dream, in a place so beautiful and so sacred, I found myself walking around with peace in my heart, my spirit happy to be in this place of rest. And then from a distance she stood. In moments she was before me, smiling. With surprise I exclaimed, "Grandma! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, Shel! I'm here for you!"
"For me?" We were so close, her and I standing inches apart and she was magnificently beautiful and white.
"I came here to be with you."
The dream went on, and it is hard to put in to any words the amount of love, peace and joy that came. I awoke renewed, feeling my heart piecing itself back together, with a greater eternal perspective on life and what God has in store. And most importantly the GREAT love he has for his children. For me!!

That following morning as my mom and dad helped me pack I said happily, "I dreamt about grandma!"
Instantly my mom perked up. "Who? You what? Tell me what happened."
Her eyes were brimming with tears as I relayed the dream, thinking that it was no big deal. Until...with great emotion my mom said, "That was an answer to my prayers for you, Rochelle. When I saw how broken down you were last night, I prayed so fervently, I asked God, 'Please send Rochelle someone tonight that will be of comfort to her.'"
And God did.
He sent my grandma to be with me. He sent an angel.

We sometimes seem to think that it might be time better spent to suffocate in the mud, to wonder and wish that things were different or we could just avoid experiencing the really crummy parts of life, y'know - those parts that take your heart between stoney hands and apply so much pressure that all that is left are bits and pieces. We seem to think that life might never go on. That we will never be happy.

And then we have moments of such peace and clarity. Such immensity of love poured out to us by a loving God and Savior that if we just push through it, if we JUST KEEP GOING a bit longer, those moments that rip us apart at the heart will soon be stitched back together. Because God loves. Because God is mindful. Because our Savior makes our weaknesses strengths.

As this day comes to a close, I take a moment while writing this and in my heart, that physically, emotionally, and spiritually broken-down-at-times heart, feel so much gratitude that God is mindful of me. Mindful of my two boys. And through all this mucky-mud, He has such a beautiful, intricately woven plan for my life. And that is how I make it through. That's how I hose myself off.

Somewhere it Begins

Writing is nothing new for me. I've self-published two books. Finished another two that have yet to be published. Plus all the short stories about unicorns and leprechauns penned during the 'magical' years we all know as pre-teens. During the teenage years it seemed only natural to rebel against pretty much anything that defined who I was created to be - but that's not a story for right now.

A few months ago I sat in the plush sofa, pillows to the side, purse placed on the floor next to the leg of the chair where it's always set (creature of habits we are), sharing with my therapist about what experiences have come into my life, some because of choices made by yours truly, others due to choices from others. In that moment I thought I knew what was coming, those words from Therapist's mouth were thoughts that had been jamming the news feed of my brain for quite some time - try more than a few years - yet it never seemed 'ideal', or 'the way I envisioned'.

Therapist leaned forward with elbows firmly on knees, "You know what I'm thinking. As you're telling me all this?"

"Yeah," with a nod I continued for Therapist, "I need to write a memoir. Already published a few fiction works, working on editing a third."

"Actually, what came to my mind is a blog. About your experiences. There's a lot here to share."

Do you ever find yourself asking God over and over for an answer to the same question, yet being unsatisfied you then move forward doing your own 'thing'? And then, in the midst of doing that 'thing' that was not the 'thing' God wanted you to do, there comes this constant nagging. Friends, that is your spirit trying to communicate to that natural man brain, 'Hey there, natural man brain, God told you what to do. And, truth be told, I really want you to listen to God because, well, He made us. He made us to be really great! With lots of talents. With lots of potential. And you not listening and acting upon His answer is frustrating a really amazing plan he has for us.'

Yes, when you feel irritated, when life seems to be missing something, listen closely because it probably is.

If I were to be right up front and honest, my life is not at all what I planned. But in all the chaos and upheaval of this life, one thing has remained constant and never-changing. God's promises and His love. The strength of my Savior is a beacon of light even when confusion and temptation, despair and pain cloud my mind.

There are millions and millions of people who have life experiences, events, tragedies, circumstances - call it what you may - that are so much more devastating than anything that I've ever experienced, and so I guess my point is - 'Why me, God? I have Christ in my life. I have two beautiful boys. Yet, I feel so inadequate to share my struggles and experiences because I am so humbled and blessed. My trials are seemingly nothing when compared to all that is out there in this world. Though life isn't what I had planned at this point in time, though the expectations have been a bit shattered, it is still a BEAUTIFUL, BLESSED life."

So here I am. God keeps pointing me to this little path and in Him I put my trust.

'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.' Proverbs 3:5