The Voice of Character

While working as a secretary/receptionist for a small yet wonderful engineering company (an enormous blessing at that time), I had taken off the entire month of March and most of April for heart surgery and slowly began to work my way back into things. Going back for a full eight-hour day seemed like cake...HA!

I remember my dad picking me up after two hours at the office. Never had my body fatigued so quickly before. At 19 it felt as if I had aged to that of an eighty-year-old. Every rib hurt, every muscle in my back ached. "This is going to take longer than I thought," I forced the words to my dad on the ride home. The vocal paralysis was still fresh at this point in time.

Up until the miraculous recovery in late June, it was still necessary to sip on any liquid and swallow tiny amounts of food slowly or it would go down the wind pipe and immediately come right back up.

This was a difficult time not only due to the recovery physically and emotionally, but the inability to easily communicate with my family and friends greatly discouraged me.

People say that you can choose to be offended. This is correct. However, there are things that people say that ARE offensive and ARE hurtful. So how is it that we choose to respond? Do we dwell on these comments and become more and more hurt/enraged?

I had become so horribly embarrassed at how I sounded that in public I refused to talk, and when I were to take a chance and voice something to those around me, strangers would stare. It became clear to me that the ability to deal with the stares was not quite my forte. Soon I learned that I truly cared too much what people thought. Here I was, having survived a 5th heart surgery and in recovery yet I felt weak at the strange looks shot my way due to the sound of my voice.

Something had to be learned here - and it was learning not to take offense.

I still remember sitting in church, feeling a great desire to voice a spiritual prompting that came to my mind. 'But they will stare.' I thought. Then felt peace come over me. It didn't matter what anyone thought. And I was in church, so it was a safe place.

Raising my hand, the woman leading the lesson called on me and I began to share what had filled my heart. Stopping me abruptly, the woman loudly said, "Please. Stop. You don't need to talk anymore."
I was confused, so I said, "I wasn't finished."
She shook her head, "Please don't talk anymore. You don't sound good."
Did that really just happen? I mean - really?

My face went flush and my heart raced faster. Embarrassment filled me and all I wanted to do was run out, but that would attract more attention so I sat there the rest of the class and kept my mouth closed and blinked back tears.

There were many experiences like this one, where people became quickly uncomfortable and would stop me and advise me to 'just stop talking,' or say immediately, 'you sound horrible.'

One very vivid memory is when I had gone back to work towards more full-time status. The owner of the company needed me to contact a local business and as it was the year 2005 the most reliable resource at that time was a phone book. The number was dialed, yet I somehow flipped the last two digits.

"Hello?" Came a woman's voice.
"Hi, I am looking for--" I can't remember what the call was about, but the woman on the other line began to chuckle slightly.
"Miss, this is an institution for the insane."
"Oh, I definitely have the wrong number." I said, flustered, voice barely audible and sounding like a croaking frog. Swallowing hard didn't do much to help as I had hoped it would.
She responded with some humor in her voice, yet very matter-of-fact, "You sure you're not looking for us? You definitely sound like you belong here."
I politely said goodbye, hung up the phone and felt large tears stream down my face. At this point it wasn't known yet if my voice would ever come back or have the ability to be 'normal'.
Later through frustration and tears I relayed the experience to my parents, their hearts breaking that someone might be so careless.

And that's the thing...a lot of times people are careless, heartless, offensive, all sorts of not-so-nice. Yet, we are placed in situations under, at times, less than desirable circumstances to have a chance to show our true character. How strong are we in the midst of belittlement? How is it that we respond to abrasive words and sarcastic remarks? It is important to remember that we must never become someones punching bag, we have a right to stand up for ourselves, but someone with true character is able to learn how to respond with firm conviction, always keeping in line with their beliefs and NEVER returning with belittlement and sarcasm to fight the offender.

At times I reflect on these moments of the past and think, "wow! I really failed that one!" Yet the important thing I am missing is that slowly and surely, these experiences have molded me and though they look as failures, they have become stepping stones to building a stronger character.

It's amazing how miraculous the healing of the vocal chord came - how it lasted for almost three years before medical intervention became necessary. The pain of the paralysis was debilitating at times, and to this day - though it has been corrected - I still find times when that pain returns and it hurts to speak - it feels forced - but no matter what I am ALWAYS grateful for the gift of speech.
Just as we all should be.

Does Anger take away Agency?

"A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control." Elder Lynn G. Robbins

This puts exactly into words what today's blog post focuses on.
Let me begin first with a story.

One day a woman, with an ever-growing sense of fear of possible domestic violence or falling into the path of collateral damage, asked her husband, "So, um," her words echo softly as to avoid coming across as accusatory, "sometimes I feel like you get so angry that you might hit me. Do you think you would?"
His face is actually quite soft, controlled. "Why would you ask that?"
"Because you have these eruptions of anger out of nowhere, and you throw things, and I'm just scared that one of these times you might hit me. And if you did...there is no second chances."
He shakes his head, "that's not a fair question."
"Not fair?"
"Yeah, not fair. I mean, yeah, sometimes you make me so angry that I want to hit you. And I'm sure I'd feel bad after I hit you. So it's not fair that I wouldn't get a second chance. It's really a loaded question."

Now...whether or not you see the question of the wife as fair, or the response of the husband as valid, the point of this story is a HUGE lesson. When did justification of our emotions become acceptable for UNACCEPTABLE actions. As the quote says above...strategy of Satan is to dissociate anger from agency, MAKING US BELIEVE that we are victims of an emotion we cannot control.

In domestic violence/abuse cases there are an overwhelming majority of events that led to horrible mistreatment all the while the person abusing says something like this, "Well, I was really angry, so he/she deserved to be called/hit..." fill in the blanks

There are a lot of you ladies (and some men) that are in this very situation. In the midst of abuse you even begin to find yourselves questioning what is RIGHT versus what is absolutely WRONG. Abuse is NOT justifiable. Anger is an emotion we ALL experience, however, there is a very definitive line. 

The scary thing with anger is it transforms our spirit. We not only begin to justify our actions, but then carry them out. The power of anger is that you begin to become someone you are not - IF you allow this emotion to rule you.

So how do we fight that anger? Some people have extreme problems with anger to the point that intense therapy is necessary, and until this happens, the cycle of abusive anger will continue. They will not allow themselves to control the distinction between right and wrong but instead will allow the emotion to override their morale and drive their actions with reckless abandon.

Then there are the majority of people that feel anger creep in and see two paths: a festering monster to feed or an emotion to learn to MASTER and find peace.

The anger I felt very literally began to harden my heart, and it was a change I could feel. With it brought unhappiness, resentment, thoughts of revenge, and much darkness that overshadowed the path towards peace. Part of grief is anger, and when I realized that this step was necessary and 100% O.K. to experience (AND noticing that I was ALLOWING it to change me), I made a conscience, consistent effort to fight against the beast and push through the dark emotion toward healing.

One trap of anger is the need to justify, as I mentioned. But in my case the justification came with mulling over the past, the anger bubbling. Then came resentment that life hadn't gone as it should have (y'know that perfect world we think exists) and at that point hate came. My uncle said to me, "you have to experience anger. It's natural. But when you stop working through it and progressing and it instead consumes you then that's when you know you have gone too far."



Again...Satan's cunning plan is to make us believe that anger takes our agency, but nothing takes away our agency. Take again this wise counsel from Elder Lynn G. Robbins,
" We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”

“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!"

And also from this incredible talk:

Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart. It is “that which cometh out of the mouth,” the Savior said; “this defileth a man” (Matt. 15:11). 

Choice and accountability are inseparable principles. Because anger is a choice, there is a strong warning in the (family) proclamation “that individuals … who abuse spouse or offspring, … will one day stand accountable before God.” 

One of the best things I did to work through anger was to accept the past and with that acceptance realize that though deep, dark hurtful things happened, my brain couldn't FIX the past. I had to STOP saying I wish this, and I wish that, and instead say every single day, "I can't fix the past. I am moving forward." No matter how much we look at the past, it will not change. So do what you can in this moment to create a brighter future. Don't wallow in the anger of your past.

As all emotions are to be experienced we must also realize that it is the mastering of these emotions that will lead us to developing God-like attributes, which is the ultimate goal of our learning here on this earth.

 

What Storm Does She Walk Through?

*Disclaimer: I realize that my posts are HEAVY. This memoir was not written with the need to life vomit all the hard things in an effort to prove something, but to lay out what I have learned/experienced throughout thirty years. Never have I or will I ever believe to be an expert. Also, sometimes I skip writing days because I don't want those reading this to become bogged down. My attempts at keeping a positive story-telling, if you will, of my life events must also be accompanied by the raw truth of these things. I have never been one to sugar coat, and I won't ever be. So, know that I am a grateful, happy woman of incredible faith in God, and that my main purpose is to let someone else know that they are not alone. With that being said...

We are unaware of what others are suffering, what their world looks like inside the four-walls of their home. It is human nature to judge, tear down and to criticize. For some people this behavior of judgment is done whimsically, without thought or care of the depth of suffering or heartache of what that stranger, friend or family member is experiencing. Other times the tearing down of one another is done with malice.

My message today is from the experience of both sides.

A while back I was working out at the gym. I saw this beautiful girl around my age with a super cute figure. Always noticing the regulars I thought, "She looks like she would be stuck-up. I wonder if she's nice?"
A few weeks after I was talking to a friend who mention
ed this girl, she knew her and I asked if she was a nice girl. They told me that she had had a horrible scare, almost died. She had several brain tumors and the surgery ended up really affecting her. At this time I began to scold myself. How horrible to pass judgment. How un-Christlike to assume something of someone I know NOTHING about. This was eye-opening. I should not have compassion on someone just by learning of their difficulties, but have compassion on them BEFORE ever knowing. Compassion towards a stranger is a sign of character, and I needed to improve my character.

The other experience of life in being torn down from the other side is one I will not delve into much. It is sensitive for all involved and most importantly one that should be done so in the most respectful and appropriate manner. It is not my intention to destroy anyone's reputation or give 'a bad name' but to share something that may be helpful because it is from other people sharing that helped me.
What I will say is that I have been the victim of abuse for a decade. When you are a victim of abuse, you begin to lose parts of yourself as a coping mechanism and to shield yourself - this is how we survive. 

The experience of being torn down for so many years has given me the eyes to see with compassion and to speak with kindness (though it is still a work in progress at times - it is for everyone). Now I have trained myself to think when seeing a stranger, 'if they are going through anything like I have/am, how desperately they will need kindness.'
We do not know details of peoples lives, even if we THINK we know. Those within my most trusted circle had no idea of the struggles I was facing - because those that are hurting the most are sometimes the best at hiding it!!

The best message I can get across from this post is how greatly your life will be changed for the better when you begin to see others without judgment, and in doing this there will no longer be a frivolous need to tear down, but instead a heartfelt desire to BUILD UP!

A few Resources:
Caroline Abbott (Christian Abuse Blog)
Healthy Place

Freely Given. Freely Receive.

"To be admitted to His presence, we must be more than clean. We must also be changed." (Elder Dallin H. Oaks. With Full Purpose of Heart, 126-127)

In this particular time of life, there is something that I have never quite experienced in such depth as I am now. In fact, it is regarding a principle that always felt like it should be so natural and easy.
How wrong I have been.

The Forgiving of the Self.
This itself is difficult because with forgiving yourself you must acknowledge and take accountability for those things that were done in the wrong. (Sometimes, it is blaming ourselves for actions or things that were not our doing, yet we feel responsible and take the brunt of the guilt and sin.)
Taking responsibility for our wrongdoings leaves us vulnerable as it strips away our pride, leaving us to recognize ourselves as the mere mortals we are, with a vision of how GREATLY we need THE Savior.

Depending on the action being repented for, the depth and the far-reaching consequences it may have had/or has, it truly can be easy to sit in our guilt and anguish, wondering if we can ever become more than a sinner. This is a deceptive tool of the adversary. To trap us in the wallowing stage of guilt and self-loathing will surely drag down our soul into an even deeper trap.
With this, it is vital to remember that Christ's sacrifice on the cross was not for a specific list of souls, and those not on this list would perish.
Sounds absurd when saying it aloud, right? Yes, it does. That is because the atonement is specifically for every, single soul that has come or ever will come to this Earth. Do not deny yourself the atonement for a sin/transgression because Satan has trapped you into believing that Jesus did not suffer for all your mistakes, however small or large they may be.
As stated in The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox he writes: "Christs' gifts are FREELY given, but they must also be freely RECEIVED." (page 38)
Gerald N. Lund wrote: Remember that one of Satan's strategies, especially with good people, is to whisper in their ears: 'If you are not perfect, you are failing.' This is ONE OF HIS MOST effective deceptions...We should recognize that God is pleased with EVERY effort we make-no matter how faltering-to better ourselves." (Are We Expected to Achieve Perfection in This Life? page 207)


The Forgiving of Others

Consider this perspective:
I will forgive someone as long as they acknowledge their wrongdoing and receive proper justice.

Unfortunately, this skewed thinking is something I have personally experienced and am currently working through.
There has been extremely deep scarring in my life due to the actions of someone whom I hold and love most dearly. Because of the irreversible damage to trust and intimate parts of a relationship, I knew that eventually with a lot of work and spiritual growth I could learn to forgive this person, however, the relationship was such that it had not only emotionally ripped me apart, but had destroyed me mentally and spiritually. The damage was affecting me physically to the point that I still remember sitting in front of my Cardiologist in review of my current health. He said, "You had no option but to leave, my dear. The long-term mistreatment would have cut your life expectancy drastically." He predicted that the stress of the mistreatment and what it was doing to my heart, mind, soul and physical body would cut more than 20 years off of my life.

I knew when he spoke those words he was right. The spirit testified of this truth, and my soul hungered to get away. It was very literally fighting to survive.

So how do we forgive?
I imagined coming to terms with the unhealthy treatment I received over many years and being able to audibly say, "All is forgiven!" And then all that hurt, anger, and deep dark emotions would be gone and in their place peace would fill my soul.

This is not the case. Such dark experiences that damage ones heart, soul, mind and body not only take time, but a changing of ourselves as well. Not just a changing, but a healing and renewal.
What? Am I saying that in order to forgive someone we have to change ourselves? Yes. I am.
The Atonement is always a refiner's fire, because whether we are the ones asking for forgiveness or extending it, there is a mighty change that must happen in our hearts. We begin to truly see how deeply the Savior loves each and every one of us. He loves those that have been hurt and he loves those that have done the hurting.
Up until this moment in my life, I never truly understood the depth of forgiveness.
It is not our responsibility to decide if the ones who have hurt us deserve forgiveness. Instead, we must change our hearts to love them as the Savior does so that we may become as He is. So that we may see with an eternal perspective how our Father in Heaven and Savior weep not only for our hurt, but for the transgressor. Because they too are suffering, just in a different way.

With this perspective, it is easy to understand now why the Savior commanded, "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another, for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. 10. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is require to forgive all men. 11. And ye ought to say in your heart - let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to they deeds." (D&C 64: 9 -11)

Now you may wonder if I have forgiven. Not entirely. It is a daily effort. Walking into this refining fire has ripped me apart, made me vulnerable, and opened my eyes to those things that must be changed within myself, those weaknesses that are holding me back from progressing.
I look forward to the day when I have stepped through this refining fire (I'm sure more will come), with a heartfelt extending of forgiveness. Not just out of obligation to do it, but because my soul has truly transformed.

The Savior's sacrifice on the cross is enough, it has always been so and will always continue to be. 

"The final judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts - what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts - what we have become...you will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived." (With Full Purpose of Heart, page 38. Dallin H. Oaks.)

Willing Heart is a Clean Heart

Being around people you love tends to rejuvenate the soul. And that explains the absence from the blog. Time spent with wonderful people away from the bustle of the world.
Now I'm back and should be posting daily ;)

When I open my computer, push the power button twenty times and get frustrated when it's not working, and then realize it's out of battery, I take a few minutes to mull over what exactly it is that should be shared.
All of the topics written are things that have become a necessary area of growth in my life, and a lot of the time (okay, not a lot but 100% of the time) I find that as a mortal with a carnal mind and nature, there is so much work left to do to become the best version of myself. Because of this continual process, I went out and bought the wonderful book The Continuous Atonement that has brought a new understanding, even just within the first few chapters.

Today I feel impressed to open up a little about forgiveness, and in the next few weeks, maybe I will find an appropriate way to open up a little more in regards to the depth of forgiveness and how it has impacted my life.

deep, dark hurt

In no way have I perfected forgiveness, in fact, to be completely vulnerable and self-disclosing, just yesterday the fire of unforgiveness consumed me so fully that it brought me to tears. In this moment the thought overwhelmed me that the forgiveness that needs to happen in my life will NEVER happen, because it is for things that are so deep, dark and painful that a part of me wants to hold on with clenched fists and never, ever let go. Part of me WANTS to be angry forever. Part of me WANTS to reflect upon those deep, dark, painful things and feel boiling mad each time they come to the surface.

Then there's my spirit...the beautifully created spirit within this mortal body that DESIRES to be free of the deep, dark pain. DESIRES so richly to be made whole, and to forgive so fully that my heart will LOVE unconditionally as the Savior does. Because that is what forgiveness is. To LOVE others and ourselves as the Savior loves us. Because regardless of the deep, dark pain that happens in our lives it is the goal to hand it over to Him who has ALREADY paid for every hurt (and sin).

To quote The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox - "Christ's gifts are freely given, but they must also be freely received (D&C 88:33)" WOW!! Seriously read this and had to pause a moment. Do I freely receive Christ's gift of the Atonement?

My uncle spoke to me a bit about this and said (as best as I can remember), "Forgiving takes time. It doesn't happen in a few days. It's normal to feel mad or angry. But when you become consumed, that's when you need to take a step back."

And there are moments that I have become consumed. That feeling of self-pity validates the deep, dark hurt - and it feeds the carnal mind. The spirit draws back.

Willing heart that forgives becomes clean

The most important step that I have come to is being able to SEE what part of me is taking over in the process of forgiving and making the switch so the process is led with Spiritual eyes - not Carnal eyes/mind. Doing so will result in not only personal growth, but the ability to turn the heart towards the Savior's beautiful gift of the Atonement. A gift that I have already felt so overwhelmingly in my life that it has many times brought me to tears. It is a gift of pure love, pure joy, pure acceptance by a merciful God and Savior that DESIRE us to return to them. It is a gift that must be received FREELY with a heart that is WILLING to change.

WILLING to change. That part that holds on to the deep, dark hurt out of pity and anger and becomes consumed - the willingness to change is not there. However, hope is not lost. Thankfully, we don't have to get it right the first time, in fact, it may take several times that we return and begin anew, laying all that deep, dark hurt at the feet of a loving Savior and saying, "I want to change. HELP me to change. Thy will be done."
It is a beautiful thing to feel the power of the Atonement in your life. It is in fact so powerful that it WILL change you, if you allow it to. And over and over again as you return, all that hurt will no longer exist, instead it will be full of immense PEACE.

Have the courage. Have the strength. Have the desire to seek the Savior and accept his freely given gift of the Atonement, and your eyes will see as they never have before.

Forgiving is hard. In fact, I always thought as the kind person I am, that forgiving was so easy and natural. It is not. Neither easy. Neither natural. It is difficult. And the deeper the hurt the harder it is to forgive. These things simply TAKE TIME.

 In order to remove tar from the body, it must be hardened (with ice), and then as it crackles, it must then be peeled/chipped off the skin. We must willingly apply the ice. Allow the time it takes to harden. And slowly chip away until the flesh is clean.

In this process of forgiving myself and events that have caused a deep, dark hurt, it will take time, and most importantly, a willingness to hand over those things to the Savior and finally move forward in life.