If I took every heart surgery, leg surgery, vocal paralysis, car accident and pregnancy/child birth - divorce tops every single one of them. By a long shot.
For those of you that are in the midst of this fight to 'rise back up' after divorce let me sincerely say that I wish I could be there to cry with you and if anything pray that there is a strong, loving support system to buoy you up.
What you lose in divorce.
Relationships. Many of them. Not just your spouse but their family - so your family. At times I thought that being mature adults, and having grown to love each other throughout a decade, that things would remain the same. But things change. And in the midst of all this you lose 'your' family - the one you married into. The family that you spent holidays, birthdays, and vacations with. It is heartbreaking. And then you also lose friends.
Home. I went from being the homemaker of my home to moving in with my parents (which is no complaint - in fact it has been the absolute biggest blessing - but the loss is still there.) It feels like something is missing. We sold our home and at the time of leaving I had to literally numb myself and so I didn't quite process the 'leaving' part until I recently returned and drove down that familiar street in auto-pilot and saw that home - someone elses home.
Companionship. This should be the first on the list. Because this is the greatest loss of all. No matter the reason for divorce - even though I was the one that left - this was the most heartbreaking of all. For a long time I had prepared myself for the emotions and consequences (good and bad) that would follow leaving.
It has taken an entire year of intense healing to recover. For a solid 12 months I experienced waves of grief and guilt that consumed my emotional and mental health. When you divorce it is like unto experiencing a death on so many levels. The death of a spouse. The stages of grief (you can read about grief in this post HERE) were cyclical. There were several weeks where that bright light of hope was so far off in the distance that I wondered if peace would ever return, and when it did, I held onto that feeling as if my life depended on it.
You lose your best friend. Your marriage. Your eternal spouse. Your 'other half'.
MOST importantly - EVEN WHEN you receive that undeniable confirmation of the spirit testifying that your choice is GOD'S WILL - you will feel a chain wrap around you pulling you back into that situation you chose to leave. Just because it is right does not in any way negate that you will be without the urge to return. I liken this urge to a drug addict (as much as can be from my perspective being that I've never taken drugs). There is a withdrawal phase. Mentally and emotionally you will experience the pull...the withdrawal...no matter how devastating it would be to return your mind and heartache will convince you that going back would solve all the turmoil. There are so many women that are in a situation like mine that do return.
The ONLY reason I was able to fight this pull was the incredibly clear confirmation that my decision was God's will. If you have experienced this pull/urge to return then you understand perfectly what I am referring to.
Two parent home. When you divorce with children it is a whole new world that opens up. You go from a two parent home to a joint custody home (or shared, or sole depending on situation). In my case I went from seeing my children every day and every night to saying goodbye from two to five days at a time. Included in there is saying goodbye during the off holidays. I didn't have my children for Christmas last year and my heart never felt so empty that morning without them. In the midst of this loss came my parents and siblings to the rescue and they truly were tender mercies. My Christmas ended up being quite joyful.
As a mother you worry all the time in the beginning, and suddenly find that you've worried yourself sick because those beautiful children are no longer in your full-time care. And it hurts. You may become angry because this wasn't how you planned to raise your children and it all doesn't seem quite fair. But then again, we signed up for life and all the challenges that come with it, so eventually you may decide to figure out how to process this change and move forward. Soon adjustment comes and you get into a routine with the new custody. Life does continue, even if it is hard at times.
Expectations. Wherever you envisioned your life ending up, most of the time it wasn't in divorce. The loss of that 'so-called-happily-ever-after-life' and plans of the future are shattered. It is hard to swallow this new reality at times, the shock and denial a bit surreal, but eventually the shock wears off. Even though the what-should-have-beens take up too much space in your mind, with healing this loss will become nothing more than acceptance and you will move ahead with new hopes and dreams.
Tomorrow I will focus on healing from the many losses of divorce.
Let me leave this with you for those that are dealing with divorce.
There will be times that all of this is too much to bear. In many moments of grief over the last year I simply had to take one hour at a time. And then the hours became a day. Suddenly I would wake up and think, 'wow! I survived yesterday. When it seemed like my heart could not take anymore I somehow made it through. So that means I can survive today.' Many times I went from day-to-day just forging ahead and getting through so that I could wake up the next day and push through that day. There is no sugar-coating this process and the intense cycles of ups and downs it brings.
But now I am healed. And one day you will be healed too. There is so much I could share, yet I know it isn't appropriate or the right time for certain things. They are personal, and the majority of my experiences will be kept from the public eye, however, there is still a lot that I believe can be of help or encouragement and so I will continue to share what I feel directed to.
With much love,
Rochelle
