The Many Losses of Divorce

There are two sides to every story and I am not going to divulge the details of mine, however, the purpose of this post is to share some of the losses of divorce. This is a battle that others have had to fight or are currently fighting and it is the most devastating, heartbreaking, horrendous battle to face (next to losing a loved one in death).
If I took every heart surgery, leg surgery, vocal paralysis, car accident and pregnancy/child birth - divorce tops every single one of them. By a long shot.
For those of you that are in the midst of this fight to 'rise back up' after divorce let me sincerely say that I wish I could be there to cry with you and if anything pray that there is a strong, loving support system to buoy you up.

What you lose in divorce.
Relationships. Many of them. Not just your spouse but their family - so your family. At times I thought that being mature adults, and having grown to love each other throughout a decade, that things would remain the same. But things change. And in the midst of all this you lose 'your' family - the one you married into. The family that you spent holidays, birthdays, and vacations with. It is heartbreaking. And then you also lose friends.
Home. I went from being the homemaker of my home to moving in with my parents (which is no complaint - in fact it has been the absolute biggest blessing - but the loss is still there.) It feels like something is missing. We sold our home and at the time of leaving I had to literally numb myself and so I didn't quite process the 'leaving' part until I recently returned and drove down that familiar street in auto-pilot and saw that home - someone elses home.
Companionship. This should be the first on the list. Because this is the greatest loss of all. No matter the reason for divorce - even though I was the one that left - this was the most heartbreaking of all. For a long time I had prepared myself for the emotions and consequences (good and bad) that would follow leaving.
It has taken an entire year of intense healing to recover. For a solid 12 months I experienced waves of grief and guilt that consumed my emotional and mental health. When you divorce it is like unto experiencing a death on so many levels. The death of a spouse. The stages of grief (you can read about grief in this post HERE) were cyclical. There were several weeks where that bright light of hope was so far off in the distance that I wondered if peace would ever return, and when it did, I held onto that feeling as if my life depended on it.
You lose your best friend. Your marriage. Your eternal spouse. Your 'other half'.
MOST importantly - EVEN WHEN you receive that undeniable confirmation of the spirit testifying that your choice is GOD'S WILL - you will feel a chain wrap around you pulling you back into that situation you chose to leave. Just because it is right does not in any way negate that you will be without the urge to return. I liken this urge to a drug addict (as much as can be from my perspective being that I've never taken drugs). There is a withdrawal phase. Mentally and emotionally you will experience the pull...the withdrawal...no matter how devastating it would be to return your mind and heartache will convince you that going back would solve all the turmoil. There are so many women that are in a situation like mine that do return.
The ONLY reason I was able to fight this pull was the incredibly clear confirmation that my decision was God's will. If you have experienced this pull/urge to return then you understand perfectly what I am referring to.
Two parent home. When you divorce with children it is a whole new world that opens up. You go from a two parent home to a joint custody home (or shared, or sole depending on situation). In my case I went from seeing my children every day and every night to saying goodbye from two to five days at a time. Included in there is saying goodbye during the off holidays. I didn't have my children for Christmas last year and my heart never felt so empty that morning without them. In the midst of this loss came my parents and siblings to the rescue and they truly were tender mercies. My Christmas ended up being quite joyful.
As a mother you worry all the time in the beginning, and suddenly find that you've worried yourself sick because those beautiful children are no longer in your full-time care. And it hurts. You may become angry because this wasn't how you planned to raise your children and it all doesn't seem quite fair. But then again, we signed up for life and all the challenges that come with it, so eventually you may decide to figure out how to process this change and move forward. Soon adjustment comes and you get into a routine with the new custody. Life does continue, even if it is hard at times.
Expectations. Wherever you envisioned your life ending up, most of the time it wasn't in divorce. The loss of that 'so-called-happily-ever-after-life' and plans of the future are shattered. It is hard to swallow this new reality at times, the shock and denial a bit surreal, but eventually the shock wears off. Even though the what-should-have-beens take up too much space in your mind, with healing this loss will become nothing more than acceptance and you will move ahead with new hopes and dreams.

Tomorrow I will focus on healing from the many losses of divorce.

Let me leave this with you for those that are dealing with divorce.

There will be times that all of this is too much to bear. In many moments of grief over the last year I simply had to take one hour at a time. And then the hours became a day. Suddenly I would wake up and think, 'wow! I survived yesterday. When it seemed like my heart could not take anymore I somehow made it through. So that means I can survive today.' Many times I went from day-to-day just forging ahead and getting through so that I could wake up the next day and push through that day. There is no sugar-coating this process and the intense cycles of ups and downs it brings.

But now I am healed. And one day you will be healed too. There is so much I could share, yet I know it isn't appropriate or the right time for certain things. They are personal, and the majority of my experiences will be kept from the public eye, however, there is still a lot that I believe can be of help or encouragement and so I will continue to share what I feel directed to.
With much love,
Rochelle

What Storm Does She Walk Through?

*Disclaimer: I realize that my posts are HEAVY. This memoir was not written with the need to life vomit all the hard things in an effort to prove something, but to lay out what I have learned/experienced throughout thirty years. Never have I or will I ever believe to be an expert. Also, sometimes I skip writing days because I don't want those reading this to become bogged down. My attempts at keeping a positive story-telling, if you will, of my life events must also be accompanied by the raw truth of these things. I have never been one to sugar coat, and I won't ever be. So, know that I am a grateful, happy woman of incredible faith in God, and that my main purpose is to let someone else know that they are not alone. With that being said...

We are unaware of what others are suffering, what their world looks like inside the four-walls of their home. It is human nature to judge, tear down and to criticize. For some people this behavior of judgment is done whimsically, without thought or care of the depth of suffering or heartache of what that stranger, friend or family member is experiencing. Other times the tearing down of one another is done with malice.

My message today is from the experience of both sides.

A while back I was working out at the gym. I saw this beautiful girl around my age with a super cute figure. Always noticing the regulars I thought, "She looks like she would be stuck-up. I wonder if she's nice?"
A few weeks after I was talking to a friend who mention
ed this girl, she knew her and I asked if she was a nice girl. They told me that she had had a horrible scare, almost died. She had several brain tumors and the surgery ended up really affecting her. At this time I began to scold myself. How horrible to pass judgment. How un-Christlike to assume something of someone I know NOTHING about. This was eye-opening. I should not have compassion on someone just by learning of their difficulties, but have compassion on them BEFORE ever knowing. Compassion towards a stranger is a sign of character, and I needed to improve my character.

The other experience of life in being torn down from the other side is one I will not delve into much. It is sensitive for all involved and most importantly one that should be done so in the most respectful and appropriate manner. It is not my intention to destroy anyone's reputation or give 'a bad name' but to share something that may be helpful because it is from other people sharing that helped me.
What I will say is that I have been the victim of abuse for a decade. When you are a victim of abuse, you begin to lose parts of yourself as a coping mechanism and to shield yourself - this is how we survive. 

The experience of being torn down for so many years has given me the eyes to see with compassion and to speak with kindness (though it is still a work in progress at times - it is for everyone). Now I have trained myself to think when seeing a stranger, 'if they are going through anything like I have/am, how desperately they will need kindness.'
We do not know details of peoples lives, even if we THINK we know. Those within my most trusted circle had no idea of the struggles I was facing - because those that are hurting the most are sometimes the best at hiding it!!

The best message I can get across from this post is how greatly your life will be changed for the better when you begin to see others without judgment, and in doing this there will no longer be a frivolous need to tear down, but instead a heartfelt desire to BUILD UP!

A few Resources:
Caroline Abbott (Christian Abuse Blog)
Healthy Place

Freely Given. Freely Receive.

"To be admitted to His presence, we must be more than clean. We must also be changed." (Elder Dallin H. Oaks. With Full Purpose of Heart, 126-127)

In this particular time of life, there is something that I have never quite experienced in such depth as I am now. In fact, it is regarding a principle that always felt like it should be so natural and easy.
How wrong I have been.

The Forgiving of the Self.
This itself is difficult because with forgiving yourself you must acknowledge and take accountability for those things that were done in the wrong. (Sometimes, it is blaming ourselves for actions or things that were not our doing, yet we feel responsible and take the brunt of the guilt and sin.)
Taking responsibility for our wrongdoings leaves us vulnerable as it strips away our pride, leaving us to recognize ourselves as the mere mortals we are, with a vision of how GREATLY we need THE Savior.

Depending on the action being repented for, the depth and the far-reaching consequences it may have had/or has, it truly can be easy to sit in our guilt and anguish, wondering if we can ever become more than a sinner. This is a deceptive tool of the adversary. To trap us in the wallowing stage of guilt and self-loathing will surely drag down our soul into an even deeper trap.
With this, it is vital to remember that Christ's sacrifice on the cross was not for a specific list of souls, and those not on this list would perish.
Sounds absurd when saying it aloud, right? Yes, it does. That is because the atonement is specifically for every, single soul that has come or ever will come to this Earth. Do not deny yourself the atonement for a sin/transgression because Satan has trapped you into believing that Jesus did not suffer for all your mistakes, however small or large they may be.
As stated in The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox he writes: "Christs' gifts are FREELY given, but they must also be freely RECEIVED." (page 38)
Gerald N. Lund wrote: Remember that one of Satan's strategies, especially with good people, is to whisper in their ears: 'If you are not perfect, you are failing.' This is ONE OF HIS MOST effective deceptions...We should recognize that God is pleased with EVERY effort we make-no matter how faltering-to better ourselves." (Are We Expected to Achieve Perfection in This Life? page 207)


The Forgiving of Others

Consider this perspective:
I will forgive someone as long as they acknowledge their wrongdoing and receive proper justice.

Unfortunately, this skewed thinking is something I have personally experienced and am currently working through.
There has been extremely deep scarring in my life due to the actions of someone whom I hold and love most dearly. Because of the irreversible damage to trust and intimate parts of a relationship, I knew that eventually with a lot of work and spiritual growth I could learn to forgive this person, however, the relationship was such that it had not only emotionally ripped me apart, but had destroyed me mentally and spiritually. The damage was affecting me physically to the point that I still remember sitting in front of my Cardiologist in review of my current health. He said, "You had no option but to leave, my dear. The long-term mistreatment would have cut your life expectancy drastically." He predicted that the stress of the mistreatment and what it was doing to my heart, mind, soul and physical body would cut more than 20 years off of my life.

I knew when he spoke those words he was right. The spirit testified of this truth, and my soul hungered to get away. It was very literally fighting to survive.

So how do we forgive?
I imagined coming to terms with the unhealthy treatment I received over many years and being able to audibly say, "All is forgiven!" And then all that hurt, anger, and deep dark emotions would be gone and in their place peace would fill my soul.

This is not the case. Such dark experiences that damage ones heart, soul, mind and body not only take time, but a changing of ourselves as well. Not just a changing, but a healing and renewal.
What? Am I saying that in order to forgive someone we have to change ourselves? Yes. I am.
The Atonement is always a refiner's fire, because whether we are the ones asking for forgiveness or extending it, there is a mighty change that must happen in our hearts. We begin to truly see how deeply the Savior loves each and every one of us. He loves those that have been hurt and he loves those that have done the hurting.
Up until this moment in my life, I never truly understood the depth of forgiveness.
It is not our responsibility to decide if the ones who have hurt us deserve forgiveness. Instead, we must change our hearts to love them as the Savior does so that we may become as He is. So that we may see with an eternal perspective how our Father in Heaven and Savior weep not only for our hurt, but for the transgressor. Because they too are suffering, just in a different way.

With this perspective, it is easy to understand now why the Savior commanded, "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another, for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. 10. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is require to forgive all men. 11. And ye ought to say in your heart - let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to they deeds." (D&C 64: 9 -11)

Now you may wonder if I have forgiven. Not entirely. It is a daily effort. Walking into this refining fire has ripped me apart, made me vulnerable, and opened my eyes to those things that must be changed within myself, those weaknesses that are holding me back from progressing.
I look forward to the day when I have stepped through this refining fire (I'm sure more will come), with a heartfelt extending of forgiveness. Not just out of obligation to do it, but because my soul has truly transformed.

The Savior's sacrifice on the cross is enough, it has always been so and will always continue to be. 

"The final judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts - what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts - what we have become...you will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived." (With Full Purpose of Heart, page 38. Dallin H. Oaks.)

Willing Heart is a Clean Heart

Being around people you love tends to rejuvenate the soul. And that explains the absence from the blog. Time spent with wonderful people away from the bustle of the world.
Now I'm back and should be posting daily ;)

When I open my computer, push the power button twenty times and get frustrated when it's not working, and then realize it's out of battery, I take a few minutes to mull over what exactly it is that should be shared.
All of the topics written are things that have become a necessary area of growth in my life, and a lot of the time (okay, not a lot but 100% of the time) I find that as a mortal with a carnal mind and nature, there is so much work left to do to become the best version of myself. Because of this continual process, I went out and bought the wonderful book The Continuous Atonement that has brought a new understanding, even just within the first few chapters.

Today I feel impressed to open up a little about forgiveness, and in the next few weeks, maybe I will find an appropriate way to open up a little more in regards to the depth of forgiveness and how it has impacted my life.

deep, dark hurt

In no way have I perfected forgiveness, in fact, to be completely vulnerable and self-disclosing, just yesterday the fire of unforgiveness consumed me so fully that it brought me to tears. In this moment the thought overwhelmed me that the forgiveness that needs to happen in my life will NEVER happen, because it is for things that are so deep, dark and painful that a part of me wants to hold on with clenched fists and never, ever let go. Part of me WANTS to be angry forever. Part of me WANTS to reflect upon those deep, dark, painful things and feel boiling mad each time they come to the surface.

Then there's my spirit...the beautifully created spirit within this mortal body that DESIRES to be free of the deep, dark pain. DESIRES so richly to be made whole, and to forgive so fully that my heart will LOVE unconditionally as the Savior does. Because that is what forgiveness is. To LOVE others and ourselves as the Savior loves us. Because regardless of the deep, dark pain that happens in our lives it is the goal to hand it over to Him who has ALREADY paid for every hurt (and sin).

To quote The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox - "Christ's gifts are freely given, but they must also be freely received (D&C 88:33)" WOW!! Seriously read this and had to pause a moment. Do I freely receive Christ's gift of the Atonement?

My uncle spoke to me a bit about this and said (as best as I can remember), "Forgiving takes time. It doesn't happen in a few days. It's normal to feel mad or angry. But when you become consumed, that's when you need to take a step back."

And there are moments that I have become consumed. That feeling of self-pity validates the deep, dark hurt - and it feeds the carnal mind. The spirit draws back.

Willing heart that forgives becomes clean

The most important step that I have come to is being able to SEE what part of me is taking over in the process of forgiving and making the switch so the process is led with Spiritual eyes - not Carnal eyes/mind. Doing so will result in not only personal growth, but the ability to turn the heart towards the Savior's beautiful gift of the Atonement. A gift that I have already felt so overwhelmingly in my life that it has many times brought me to tears. It is a gift of pure love, pure joy, pure acceptance by a merciful God and Savior that DESIRE us to return to them. It is a gift that must be received FREELY with a heart that is WILLING to change.

WILLING to change. That part that holds on to the deep, dark hurt out of pity and anger and becomes consumed - the willingness to change is not there. However, hope is not lost. Thankfully, we don't have to get it right the first time, in fact, it may take several times that we return and begin anew, laying all that deep, dark hurt at the feet of a loving Savior and saying, "I want to change. HELP me to change. Thy will be done."
It is a beautiful thing to feel the power of the Atonement in your life. It is in fact so powerful that it WILL change you, if you allow it to. And over and over again as you return, all that hurt will no longer exist, instead it will be full of immense PEACE.

Have the courage. Have the strength. Have the desire to seek the Savior and accept his freely given gift of the Atonement, and your eyes will see as they never have before.

Forgiving is hard. In fact, I always thought as the kind person I am, that forgiving was so easy and natural. It is not. Neither easy. Neither natural. It is difficult. And the deeper the hurt the harder it is to forgive. These things simply TAKE TIME.

 In order to remove tar from the body, it must be hardened (with ice), and then as it crackles, it must then be peeled/chipped off the skin. We must willingly apply the ice. Allow the time it takes to harden. And slowly chip away until the flesh is clean.

In this process of forgiving myself and events that have caused a deep, dark hurt, it will take time, and most importantly, a willingness to hand over those things to the Savior and finally move forward in life.

A Difficult Step. Anger.

In search for what to share over the last few days, it felt only natural to touch on a topic that has been so incredibly present in my life these last months.

First, anger.
I'm not speaking that I have anger where my temper flares so high that those around me should worry of becoming collateral damage in the fit of rage. No, I am speaking of anger that comes from the stages of Grief. 
 What are the stages of grief? Click here.

Mind you - I am definitely no expert when it comes to anything scientifically speaking on topics such as these, but, experience in these areas and a lot of therapy, counseling, speaking with extremely wise family and friends has given me some knowledge that I hope to pass along. And, though this post may not speak of all that there is to cover in such a topic, my greatest desire is that it will resonate within someone's heart.

1.Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

Since this post is not specifically to touch on grief, I will just brush on it a bit in relation to where my anger comes in.
*First I experienced Denial (not isolation). I kept saying over and over, "Is this really happening?? I CAN'T BELIEVE this is happening." Every time I thought about the situation and the choice that had to be made it kept slapping me in the face with SHOCK and DENIAL.
*Secondly, I hit Bargaining. If I had just been more perfect. If I had just LOVED more. If I had been SMARTER, HAPPIER...IF, IF, IF...
- I flip-flopped between denial and bargaining for quite some time.
*Depression. This is where those horrible blues crept in and brought debilitating heartache that seemed to leave life at a hopeless standstill.
-At this point in time I was experiencing steps 1,3,4 mixed in with IMMENSE amounts of GRIEF.
After 10 months of flipping between all these steps, finally ANGER hit me so hard that it consumed me like a ravenous forest-fire bound to destroy everything in its path if it was not quickly extinguished. It would take more than what I could do on my own. I will post soon about how I have been able to move through all these steps when they presented themselves.

Now, Anger is an important part of grief and it MUST BE FELT. However, being that my nature is a peaceful, loving and non-contentious personality, suddenly experiencing so much ANGER brought out feelings I had never before known - nor did I want to. As I even sat in the Temple (what are temples?), the thoughts kept coming, 'Am I still a Christ-like person when I have so much Anger? Is it possible to be a good person and be THIS angry?'

These were not feelings of light, love, and hope that I felt I had been working towards, but instead these emotions swirled inside like a whirlwind of hurricane clouds so fiercely dark and heavy that my soul seemed it had become lost in a wilderness of despair. Forever to roam and cry for relief.

From a talk given my President Thomas S. Monson -
“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.”  
 Lawrence Douglas Wilder, quoted in “Early Hardships Shaped Candidates,” Deseret News, Dec
. 7, 1991, A2.

So, as important as it is to FEEL the steps of anger in the grieving process, there is an important lesson. Do not allow your soul to be consumed in those whirlwind clouds of anger - to sit in the eye of the hurricane and live forever in our anger would be a most terrible fate.
Instead - know that the eye of that awful storm of anger always moves on, the clouds dissipate, and the sun comes out, but only AFTER we allow ourselves to feel, realize, accept and move through the rain and gloom. Do not allow your soul to be caught up and thrown about in the tempest winds forever.

President Monson also said:
"We’ve all felt anger. It can come when things don’t turn out the way we want. It might be a reaction to something which is said of us or to us. We may experience it when people don’t behave the way we want them to behave. Perhaps it comes when we have to wait for something longer than we expected. We might feel angry when others can’t see things from our perspective. There seem to be countless possible reasons for anger.

In absolutely no way do I believe I am perfect, or even close to such a trait. In many ways, I stay in the Bargaining step of grief constantly, seeing all the little and big things that I COULD have done, or SHOULD have done...I take a lot of blame. This is also dangerous.

Each step is important, and some are much more difficult and lingering than others. But...they can be overcome, and they do get easier - little by little.

Look to the light in the sky, notice the sun shining through the parting clouds after that tumultuous storm, and there you will see hope, love, and a future brimming with happiness and joy.






Incredible insight here

Ribs and Hearts

In the Garden of Eden, God took a rib from Adam and made Eve, a helpmeet. As I talked with a really amazing friend tonight, she shared with me this symbolism: Why a rib? Because it is next to Adam's heart. Under his arm for protection. And never to be trampled under his feet.

Today I awoke feeling pretty darn great. With a list of really great things to get done during my 'me' time, I dressed quickly in to gym clothes and planned which temple session to attend.
Then I kinda, sorta got pushed into a big pit of mud, I rolled around in it for a bit, wallowed, went under a few times, then realized - insert infamous light bulb of enlightenment here - how long would I choose to stay in the mud? How long will I roll around? How long will I go under the surface and hold my breath?

Though we get pushed in the mud, there comes a time to get out of the pit and wash off (or hose it off with a giant firemans' nozzle).

Let me take you back to a time not too long ago that came to memory after today.

It was November last year, a particularly difficult month (so was December and January and...you get the point. It's been touch and go.) and my parents were visiting. The hopelessness, sense of loss, heartache and grief seemed to consume every part of my being. The boys were in bed, sleeping, and I lay in bed sobbing so uncontrollably that it felt as if my eyeballs were on the verge of exploding (you all know that feeling!). There is a sense of grief and heartache that is so overwhelming that it literally feels as though the heart can not take another beat. I had arrived at that moment.

My heart has been broken physically, I mean, I have part of a pig in me! (Isn't that pretty cool?) And now my heart was emotionally and spiritually drained. Coming in to the room my dad exhales, "Girl! What are you doin'?"
"I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. It's too hard." Wracked with sobs the words were difficult to understand.
"Don't give me that. Do you realize what you've done already in this life, girl? What you've survived?"
Snotty nose, snotty chin, snotty neck as it runs down...someone PLEASE get me a kleenex already!
By now, my dad is sitting right up next to me on the bed, one hand over me, leaning in, and just offering that moment of daddy-daughter love, his eyes watery. If I thought this was killing me, oh boy! It was killing my dad.
"Would you like a blessing? You need to ask me though."
"Yes, dad, will you give me a blessing?"

What is a priesthood blessing?CLICK HERE

He blessed me with many things, among them that I would be able to sleep. And I did. I slept so peacefully and so soundly and with great dreams of comfort. I will share a little of this, but there are sacred moments, Tender Mercies given to me by a loving Heavenly Father that I will reserve for my memory alone.

My Grandma has been gone for some time now, since 2004. It had been 10 years at this point in time and how I missed her!! I thought of her so often through these years, and sometimes I would talk as if she were with me. In moments of quiet, "I miss you, Grandma. I love you. I wish you were here with me. I need one of your hugs right now."

In this dream, in a place so beautiful and so sacred, I found myself walking around with peace in my heart, my spirit happy to be in this place of rest. And then from a distance she stood. In moments she was before me, smiling. With surprise I exclaimed, "Grandma! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, Shel! I'm here for you!"
"For me?" We were so close, her and I standing inches apart and she was magnificently beautiful and white.
"I came here to be with you."
The dream went on, and it is hard to put in to any words the amount of love, peace and joy that came. I awoke renewed, feeling my heart piecing itself back together, with a greater eternal perspective on life and what God has in store. And most importantly the GREAT love he has for his children. For me!!

That following morning as my mom and dad helped me pack I said happily, "I dreamt about grandma!"
Instantly my mom perked up. "Who? You what? Tell me what happened."
Her eyes were brimming with tears as I relayed the dream, thinking that it was no big deal. Until...with great emotion my mom said, "That was an answer to my prayers for you, Rochelle. When I saw how broken down you were last night, I prayed so fervently, I asked God, 'Please send Rochelle someone tonight that will be of comfort to her.'"
And God did.
He sent my grandma to be with me. He sent an angel.

We sometimes seem to think that it might be time better spent to suffocate in the mud, to wonder and wish that things were different or we could just avoid experiencing the really crummy parts of life, y'know - those parts that take your heart between stoney hands and apply so much pressure that all that is left are bits and pieces. We seem to think that life might never go on. That we will never be happy.

And then we have moments of such peace and clarity. Such immensity of love poured out to us by a loving God and Savior that if we just push through it, if we JUST KEEP GOING a bit longer, those moments that rip us apart at the heart will soon be stitched back together. Because God loves. Because God is mindful. Because our Savior makes our weaknesses strengths.

As this day comes to a close, I take a moment while writing this and in my heart, that physically, emotionally, and spiritually broken-down-at-times heart, feel so much gratitude that God is mindful of me. Mindful of my two boys. And through all this mucky-mud, He has such a beautiful, intricately woven plan for my life. And that is how I make it through. That's how I hose myself off.