Today I awoke feeling pretty darn great. With a list of really great things to get done during my 'me' time, I dressed quickly in to gym clothes and planned which temple session to attend.
Then I kinda, sorta got pushed into a big pit of mud, I rolled around in it for a bit, wallowed, went under a few times, then realized - insert infamous light bulb of enlightenment here - how long would I choose to stay in the mud? How long will I roll around? How long will I go under the surface and hold my breath?
Though we get pushed in the mud, there comes a time to get out of the pit and wash off (or hose it off with a giant firemans' nozzle).
Let me take you back to a time not too long ago that came to memory after today.
It was November last year, a particularly difficult month (so was December and January and...you get the point. It's been touch and go.) and my parents were visiting. The hopelessness, sense of loss, heartache and grief seemed to consume every part of my being. The boys were in bed, sleeping, and I lay in bed sobbing so uncontrollably that it felt as if my eyeballs were on the verge of exploding (you all know that feeling!). There is a sense of grief and heartache that is so overwhelming that it literally feels as though the heart can not take another beat. I had arrived at that moment.
My heart has been broken physically, I mean, I have part of a pig in me! (Isn't that pretty cool?) And now my heart was emotionally and spiritually drained. Coming in to the room my dad exhales, "Girl! What are you doin'?"
"I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. It's too hard." Wracked with sobs the words were difficult to understand.
"Don't give me that. Do you realize what you've done already in this life, girl? What you've survived?"
Snotty nose, snotty chin, snotty neck as it runs down...someone PLEASE get me a kleenex already!
By now, my dad is sitting right up next to me on the bed, one hand over me, leaning in, and just offering that moment of daddy-daughter love, his eyes watery. If I thought this was killing me, oh boy! It was killing my dad.
"Would you like a blessing? You need to ask me though."
"Yes, dad, will you give me a blessing?"
What is a priesthood blessing?CLICK HERE
He blessed me with many things, among them that I would be able to sleep. And I did. I slept so peacefully and so soundly and with great dreams of comfort. I will share a little of this, but there are sacred moments, Tender Mercies given to me by a loving Heavenly Father that I will reserve for my memory alone.
My Grandma has been gone for some time now, since 2004. It had been 10 years at this point in time and how I missed her!! I thought of her so often through these years, and sometimes I would talk as if she were with me. In moments of quiet, "I miss you, Grandma. I love you. I wish you were here with me. I need one of your hugs right now."
In this dream, in a place so beautiful and so sacred, I found myself walking around with peace in my heart, my spirit happy to be in this place of rest. And then from a distance she stood. In moments she was before me, smiling. With surprise I exclaimed, "Grandma! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, Shel! I'm here for you!"
"For me?" We were so close, her and I standing inches apart and she was magnificently beautiful and white.
"I came here to be with you."
The dream went on, and it is hard to put in to any words the amount of love, peace and joy that came. I awoke renewed, feeling my heart piecing itself back together, with a greater eternal perspective on life and what God has in store. And most importantly the GREAT love he has for his children. For me!!
That following morning as my mom and dad helped me pack I said happily, "I dreamt about grandma!"
Instantly my mom perked up. "Who? You what? Tell me what happened."
Her eyes were brimming with tears as I relayed the dream, thinking that it was no big deal. Until...with great emotion my mom said, "That was an answer to my prayers for you, Rochelle. When I saw how broken down you were last night, I prayed so fervently, I asked God, 'Please send Rochelle someone tonight that will be of comfort to her.'"
And God did.
He sent my grandma to be with me. He sent an angel.
We sometimes seem to think that it might be time better spent to suffocate in the mud, to wonder and wish that things were different or we could just avoid experiencing the really crummy parts of life, y'know - those parts that take your heart between stoney hands and apply so much pressure that all that is left are bits and pieces. We seem to think that life might never go on. That we will never be happy.
And then we have moments of such peace and clarity. Such immensity of love poured out to us by a loving God and Savior that if we just push through it, if we JUST KEEP GOING a bit longer, those moments that rip us apart at the heart will soon be stitched back together. Because God loves. Because God is mindful. Because our Savior makes our weaknesses strengths.
As this day comes to a close, I take a moment while writing this and in my heart, that physically, emotionally, and spiritually broken-down-at-times heart, feel so much gratitude that God is mindful of me. Mindful of my two boys. And through all this mucky-mud, He has such a beautiful, intricately woven plan for my life. And that is how I make it through. That's how I hose myself off.
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