This puts exactly into words what today's blog post focuses on.
Let me begin first with a story.
One day a woman, with an ever-growing sense of fear of possible domestic violence or falling into the path of collateral damage, asked her husband, "So, um," her words echo softly as to avoid coming across as accusatory, "sometimes I feel like you get so angry that you might hit me. Do you think you would?"
His face is actually quite soft, controlled. "Why would you ask that?"
"Because you have these eruptions of anger out of nowhere, and you throw things, and I'm just scared that one of these times you might hit me. And if you did...there is no second chances."
He shakes his head, "that's not a fair question."
"Not fair?"
"Yeah, not fair. I mean, yeah, sometimes you make me so angry that I want to hit you. And I'm sure I'd feel bad after I hit you. So it's not fair that I wouldn't get a second chance. It's really a loaded question."
Now...whether or not you see the question of the wife as fair, or the response of the husband as valid, the point of this story is a HUGE lesson. When did justification of our emotions become acceptable for UNACCEPTABLE actions. As the quote says above...strategy of Satan is to dissociate anger from agency, MAKING US BELIEVE that we are victims of an emotion we cannot control.
In domestic violence/abuse cases there are an overwhelming majority of events that led to horrible mistreatment all the while the person abusing says something like this, "Well, I was really angry, so he/she deserved to be called/hit..." fill in the blanks
There are a lot of you ladies (and some men) that are in this very situation. In the midst of abuse you even begin to find yourselves questioning what is RIGHT versus what is absolutely WRONG. Abuse is NOT justifiable. Anger is an emotion we ALL experience, however, there is a very definitive line.
The scary thing with anger is it transforms our spirit. We not only begin to justify our actions, but then carry them out. The power of anger is that you begin to become someone you are not - IF you allow this emotion to rule you.
So how do we fight that anger? Some people have extreme problems with anger to the point that intense therapy is necessary, and until this happens, the cycle of abusive anger will continue. They will not allow themselves to control the distinction between right and wrong but instead will allow the emotion to override their morale and drive their actions with reckless abandon.
Then there are the majority of people that feel anger creep in and see two paths: a festering monster to feed or an emotion to learn to MASTER and find peace.
The anger I felt very literally began to harden my heart, and it was a change I could feel. With it brought unhappiness, resentment, thoughts of revenge, and much darkness that overshadowed the path towards peace. Part of grief is anger, and when I realized that this step was necessary and 100% O.K. to experience (AND noticing that I was ALLOWING it to change me), I made a conscience, consistent effort to fight against the beast and push through the dark emotion toward healing.
One trap of anger is the need to justify, as I mentioned. But in my case the justification came with mulling over the past, the anger bubbling. Then came resentment that life hadn't gone as it should have (y'know that perfect world we think exists) and at that point hate came. My uncle said to me, "you have to experience anger. It's natural. But when you stop working through it and progressing and it instead consumes you then that's when you know you have gone too far."
Again...Satan's cunning plan is to make us believe that anger takes our agency, but nothing takes away our agency. Take again this wise counsel from Elder Lynn G. Robbins,
" We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”
“He
made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of
control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us
mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming
angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the
choice not to become angry. We choose!"
And also from this incredible talk:
Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and
other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart. It is “that
which cometh out of the mouth,” the Savior said; “this defileth a man” (Matt. 15:11).
Choice and accountability are inseparable principles. Because anger is a
choice, there is a strong warning in the (family) proclamation “that individuals
… who abuse spouse or offspring, … will one day stand accountable
before God.”
One of the best things I did to work through anger was to accept the
past and with that acceptance realize that though deep, dark hurtful
things happened, my brain couldn't FIX the past. I had to STOP saying I
wish this, and I wish that, and instead say every single day, "I can't
fix the past. I am moving forward." No matter how much we look at the
past, it will not change. So do what you can in this moment to create a
brighter future. Don't wallow in the anger of your past.
As all emotions are to be experienced we must also realize that it is the mastering of these emotions that will lead us to developing God-like attributes, which is the ultimate goal of our learning here on this earth.
