The Voice of Character

While working as a secretary/receptionist for a small yet wonderful engineering company (an enormous blessing at that time), I had taken off the entire month of March and most of April for heart surgery and slowly began to work my way back into things. Going back for a full eight-hour day seemed like cake...HA!

I remember my dad picking me up after two hours at the office. Never had my body fatigued so quickly before. At 19 it felt as if I had aged to that of an eighty-year-old. Every rib hurt, every muscle in my back ached. "This is going to take longer than I thought," I forced the words to my dad on the ride home. The vocal paralysis was still fresh at this point in time.

Up until the miraculous recovery in late June, it was still necessary to sip on any liquid and swallow tiny amounts of food slowly or it would go down the wind pipe and immediately come right back up.

This was a difficult time not only due to the recovery physically and emotionally, but the inability to easily communicate with my family and friends greatly discouraged me.

People say that you can choose to be offended. This is correct. However, there are things that people say that ARE offensive and ARE hurtful. So how is it that we choose to respond? Do we dwell on these comments and become more and more hurt/enraged?

I had become so horribly embarrassed at how I sounded that in public I refused to talk, and when I were to take a chance and voice something to those around me, strangers would stare. It became clear to me that the ability to deal with the stares was not quite my forte. Soon I learned that I truly cared too much what people thought. Here I was, having survived a 5th heart surgery and in recovery yet I felt weak at the strange looks shot my way due to the sound of my voice.

Something had to be learned here - and it was learning not to take offense.

I still remember sitting in church, feeling a great desire to voice a spiritual prompting that came to my mind. 'But they will stare.' I thought. Then felt peace come over me. It didn't matter what anyone thought. And I was in church, so it was a safe place.

Raising my hand, the woman leading the lesson called on me and I began to share what had filled my heart. Stopping me abruptly, the woman loudly said, "Please. Stop. You don't need to talk anymore."
I was confused, so I said, "I wasn't finished."
She shook her head, "Please don't talk anymore. You don't sound good."
Did that really just happen? I mean - really?

My face went flush and my heart raced faster. Embarrassment filled me and all I wanted to do was run out, but that would attract more attention so I sat there the rest of the class and kept my mouth closed and blinked back tears.

There were many experiences like this one, where people became quickly uncomfortable and would stop me and advise me to 'just stop talking,' or say immediately, 'you sound horrible.'

One very vivid memory is when I had gone back to work towards more full-time status. The owner of the company needed me to contact a local business and as it was the year 2005 the most reliable resource at that time was a phone book. The number was dialed, yet I somehow flipped the last two digits.

"Hello?" Came a woman's voice.
"Hi, I am looking for--" I can't remember what the call was about, but the woman on the other line began to chuckle slightly.
"Miss, this is an institution for the insane."
"Oh, I definitely have the wrong number." I said, flustered, voice barely audible and sounding like a croaking frog. Swallowing hard didn't do much to help as I had hoped it would.
She responded with some humor in her voice, yet very matter-of-fact, "You sure you're not looking for us? You definitely sound like you belong here."
I politely said goodbye, hung up the phone and felt large tears stream down my face. At this point it wasn't known yet if my voice would ever come back or have the ability to be 'normal'.
Later through frustration and tears I relayed the experience to my parents, their hearts breaking that someone might be so careless.

And that's the thing...a lot of times people are careless, heartless, offensive, all sorts of not-so-nice. Yet, we are placed in situations under, at times, less than desirable circumstances to have a chance to show our true character. How strong are we in the midst of belittlement? How is it that we respond to abrasive words and sarcastic remarks? It is important to remember that we must never become someones punching bag, we have a right to stand up for ourselves, but someone with true character is able to learn how to respond with firm conviction, always keeping in line with their beliefs and NEVER returning with belittlement and sarcasm to fight the offender.

At times I reflect on these moments of the past and think, "wow! I really failed that one!" Yet the important thing I am missing is that slowly and surely, these experiences have molded me and though they look as failures, they have become stepping stones to building a stronger character.

It's amazing how miraculous the healing of the vocal chord came - how it lasted for almost three years before medical intervention became necessary. The pain of the paralysis was debilitating at times, and to this day - though it has been corrected - I still find times when that pain returns and it hurts to speak - it feels forced - but no matter what I am ALWAYS grateful for the gift of speech.
Just as we all should be.

Does Anger take away Agency?

"A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control." Elder Lynn G. Robbins

This puts exactly into words what today's blog post focuses on.
Let me begin first with a story.

One day a woman, with an ever-growing sense of fear of possible domestic violence or falling into the path of collateral damage, asked her husband, "So, um," her words echo softly as to avoid coming across as accusatory, "sometimes I feel like you get so angry that you might hit me. Do you think you would?"
His face is actually quite soft, controlled. "Why would you ask that?"
"Because you have these eruptions of anger out of nowhere, and you throw things, and I'm just scared that one of these times you might hit me. And if you did...there is no second chances."
He shakes his head, "that's not a fair question."
"Not fair?"
"Yeah, not fair. I mean, yeah, sometimes you make me so angry that I want to hit you. And I'm sure I'd feel bad after I hit you. So it's not fair that I wouldn't get a second chance. It's really a loaded question."

Now...whether or not you see the question of the wife as fair, or the response of the husband as valid, the point of this story is a HUGE lesson. When did justification of our emotions become acceptable for UNACCEPTABLE actions. As the quote says above...strategy of Satan is to dissociate anger from agency, MAKING US BELIEVE that we are victims of an emotion we cannot control.

In domestic violence/abuse cases there are an overwhelming majority of events that led to horrible mistreatment all the while the person abusing says something like this, "Well, I was really angry, so he/she deserved to be called/hit..." fill in the blanks

There are a lot of you ladies (and some men) that are in this very situation. In the midst of abuse you even begin to find yourselves questioning what is RIGHT versus what is absolutely WRONG. Abuse is NOT justifiable. Anger is an emotion we ALL experience, however, there is a very definitive line. 

The scary thing with anger is it transforms our spirit. We not only begin to justify our actions, but then carry them out. The power of anger is that you begin to become someone you are not - IF you allow this emotion to rule you.

So how do we fight that anger? Some people have extreme problems with anger to the point that intense therapy is necessary, and until this happens, the cycle of abusive anger will continue. They will not allow themselves to control the distinction between right and wrong but instead will allow the emotion to override their morale and drive their actions with reckless abandon.

Then there are the majority of people that feel anger creep in and see two paths: a festering monster to feed or an emotion to learn to MASTER and find peace.

The anger I felt very literally began to harden my heart, and it was a change I could feel. With it brought unhappiness, resentment, thoughts of revenge, and much darkness that overshadowed the path towards peace. Part of grief is anger, and when I realized that this step was necessary and 100% O.K. to experience (AND noticing that I was ALLOWING it to change me), I made a conscience, consistent effort to fight against the beast and push through the dark emotion toward healing.

One trap of anger is the need to justify, as I mentioned. But in my case the justification came with mulling over the past, the anger bubbling. Then came resentment that life hadn't gone as it should have (y'know that perfect world we think exists) and at that point hate came. My uncle said to me, "you have to experience anger. It's natural. But when you stop working through it and progressing and it instead consumes you then that's when you know you have gone too far."



Again...Satan's cunning plan is to make us believe that anger takes our agency, but nothing takes away our agency. Take again this wise counsel from Elder Lynn G. Robbins,
" We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”

“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!"

And also from this incredible talk:

Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart. It is “that which cometh out of the mouth,” the Savior said; “this defileth a man” (Matt. 15:11). 

Choice and accountability are inseparable principles. Because anger is a choice, there is a strong warning in the (family) proclamation “that individuals … who abuse spouse or offspring, … will one day stand accountable before God.” 

One of the best things I did to work through anger was to accept the past and with that acceptance realize that though deep, dark hurtful things happened, my brain couldn't FIX the past. I had to STOP saying I wish this, and I wish that, and instead say every single day, "I can't fix the past. I am moving forward." No matter how much we look at the past, it will not change. So do what you can in this moment to create a brighter future. Don't wallow in the anger of your past.

As all emotions are to be experienced we must also realize that it is the mastering of these emotions that will lead us to developing God-like attributes, which is the ultimate goal of our learning here on this earth.

 

Patience without Words

While working at Wells Fargo in the spring of 2006, things in life were going more smoothly. It had been almost an entire year since the last heart surgery and the leg was doing much better since the repair surgery just a week after getting married (that's for another post).

The use of the vocal cord had come back and though it hurt quite often, it was a huge blessing to be able to speak again. Coming into the branch, a young man in his early twenties accompanied by his father approached my teller counter. He was there to make a transaction and the nervousness in his eyes shone in the lack of confidence of his stance. My heart immediately softened toward him.
A long line formed quickly, only a few of us open on the teller line.
The young man didn't speak, he looked to his father for help, and the man quickly took over. We completed the transaction and the line continued to move through.
It wasn't much later that the young man came to the branch again, a few weeks maybe. This time he waited in the long line for his turn. He ended up before me once again, this time alone. More people gathered to make deposits and withdrawals (most people aren't very happy when it comes to money, UNLESS it involves getting more of it!).
The young man scanned the counter and didn't see what he was looking for.
"You need to withdraw or deposit?" I asked.
He shook his head and took a moment to think. Then he used his fingers to mime holding a pen and writing. I thought it odd that he wasn't using his words. "Here you are." With a quick flick of the wrist he began to write what he needed help with. It's been so long and I can't remember what we discussed but I do recall that it took some time working with him. He wrote a few words, turned the paper to me, then I relayed the answer by talking.
He tried to say a few words and they were unintelligible, almost when someone that is deaf tries to speak. However, he was not deaf. He could hear just fine. He was a mute.
We were low on tellers due to lunch break, and most people waiting in line began to moan and groan. A passive-agressive way of saying, 'This is really annoying that this man is taking so much of my time'.
The look on the young man's face was slight embarrassment for the hassle everyone was making of his lengthy transaction, yet there was a glimmer of gratitude in his eyes as we continued to write back and forth. I made sure to smile big and reassure him through each step.
My tears were in the corners of my eyes, my heart aching for this young man. Here I was just almost a year ago unable to speak, worried that I may never have full use of my voice ever again, the frustrations of that situation embedded in my memory - and across from me this man would never be able to speak. I wanted to reach over the counter and hug him. I didn't, and maybe I should have. It's hard to say if it would have been a strange gesture or not for him.

What I also thought was that those standing in line could use a little empathy, compassion and patience. Is this life about hurrying through day-to-day, shoving aside another person that needs our love and understanding? Is it about moaning and groaning in the face of someone's challenge because it is inconveniencing us?
What is this life about? How many people on a day-to-day basis do we interact with and how do we treat and respond to them? Some people are rude ALL the time, some people are SELFISH and INCONSIDERATE. And that is unfortunate for them. Their entire life they will rarely ever FEEL the immense joy of what happens when a moment is taken with a stranger to help them feel safe, accepted and loved. To moan and groan at someone else's challenge because it inconveniences us is purely selfish.

There is more I will share on this subject in a future post because I was once in his position, unable to speak. I never imagined that people could be so horrible, inconsiderate and rude straight to my face for a hardship that I NEVER asked for. In a way it helped me grow a backbone and realize that I could either listen to what they had to say or I could discard it. Many times I had to make a choice: be offended or not be offended.

This young man who was so kind-hearted, touched my heart and uplifted me! He was a blessing to me that day. We interacted several times, he always waited for my teller window and he always greeted me with a smile. Many times I think back to those moments and wonder how he is doing and hope that he is being shown kindness.

Take a moment over the next few days and really pause and listen to the tone of voice and words that are used with those you love, are acquainted with, and even strangers.

One of my favorite talks Tongue of Angels by Jeffrey R. Holland

Vocal Paralysis - Thyroplasty

 One thing I found when I started talking after heart surgery was that I had no voice- literally. I could barely make a sound, and when I did- it was not the prettiest. After speaking to the surgeon he advised that it may sometimes take the voice a little while to come back because of the breathing tube. Also, the laryngeal nerve wraps around the heart and when damaged it can cause vocal cord paralysis. The biggest cause though was figured to be the breathing tube, especially since coming out of anesthesia I was pulling so hard on the tube.

After about 2 and a half months of no voice response I went to see an ENT in Phoenix who advised me that my left vocal cord was paralyzed and was not moving, and probably wouldn't again. This was very upsetting to me and I remember that day still. My Aunt Jana took me to my appointment and after learning the news we went out for ice cream- doesn't ice cream just make everything so much better?!

After much prayer, priesthood blessings and fasting, my voice came back around the end of June. I was thrilled.

So flash forward to over a year later - November 2006. I ended up getting very sick for about 3 weeks, I had laryngitis, viral infection and strep throat. After I recovered from that my voice was gone again, not as severely as the first time, but is was very hoarse, and weak. For the next year I would have a very hard time carrying on long conversations. If I were to speak too much I would end up feeling like a had strep throat for about a week. Lots of throat lozenges and trying to get through each day. At the time I also worked at University of Phoenix where my job was on the phone as a financial advisor. So this was very difficult as most of the day meant 2-4 hours on the phone with students.
I started to go to an ENT around February 2007- a different one that lived closer to me- and he told me the problem was acid reflux and so for a month I was on medication for this, which didn't help anyway. The doctor increased the dosage of medication and after two months I decided to stop taking the medication and look for another route.

I found a Speech pathologist around August 2007 and after several months of therapy, there was still no change in the vocal cord and the pain.

Vocal cords are shaped like a 'V'. Each side of the vocal cord meets in the middle when you speak, swallow, etc. My left vocal cord was not even moving and so the right side was overcompensating and instead of going to the "middle" it was moving clear over to the left vocal cord. This caused much stress and pain when I would talk too much because the right vocal cord was basically doing the job of two. When I first had the paralysis in 2005 it was bad enough that when I would swallow water I would choke it back up because my vocal cords were not closing and it would go down my wind pipe. My ENT advised that since it has been about 3 years and the left vocal cord had not improved, it most likely would not. The best thing for me from all options, I decided, was thyroplasty.

Simply put- an implant is put by the left vocal cord to medialize it. My left vocal cord has been moved to a talking position. The ENT advised that unless I am a marathon runner I won't notice the less airflow I will have, well- I am not much of a runner so I was okay with that. Now my right vocal cord will be doing its intended job of meeting the left vocal cord in the middle. I was very nervous for surgery but with the priesthood blessing and fasting from family I knew I could get through this. I was put under anesthesia and once the surgeon had the larynx exposed they brought me out of anesthesia so I could be awake while they inserted the implant. The reason behind this? Well...in order to make sure they moved the left vocal cord over enough I had to talk while they inserted the different sizes of implant. This way they would make sure that it was moved over enough, but not too much as they would be able to tell when I spoke. After they inserted the correct implant they put me back asleep and stitched me up. I was in the hospital overnight and on vocal rest of 48 hours.
When I woke from the surgery, the nurse decided to wait until I could signify the level of pain. So when I was fully alert, the pain set in. It brought me to instant sobs, and my dad stood there and I tried to tell him how much pain I was in, yet I couldn't speak (literally couldn't due to the surgery recovery), and the sobbing was inflicting more pain. The nurse came in and gave me pain meds yet it seemed to only take away a sliver of the pain.

The surgery was performed in February 2008, almost three years after the paralysis. They were years with a lot of pain, and I have forgotten how much pain I was consistently in. There are residual effects of the paralysis, and my voice is not like it used to be prior, nor will it ever be. Also, there is a lot of pain that returns when I do speak too much. In all things, there is so much gratitude for the ability to speak, and there are times when I know I take the gift of having my voice back for granted. Those 3 years were difficult and painful. I will post another day on some experiences with the paralysis and being a mute, and directly relate it to using the gift of speech for saying kind things to others.