While working as a secretary/receptionist for a small yet wonderful engineering company (an enormous blessing at that time), I had taken off the entire month of March and most of April for heart surgery and slowly began to work my way back into things. Going back for a full eight-hour day seemed like cake...HA!
I remember my dad picking me up after two hours at the office. Never had my body fatigued so quickly before. At 19 it felt as if I had aged to that of an eighty-year-old. Every rib hurt, every muscle in my back ached. "This is going to take longer than I thought," I forced the words to my dad on the ride home. The vocal paralysis was still fresh at this point in time.
Up until the miraculous recovery in late June, it was still necessary to sip on any liquid and swallow tiny amounts of food slowly or it would go down the wind pipe and immediately come right back up.
This was a difficult time not only due to the recovery physically and emotionally, but the inability to easily communicate with my family and friends greatly discouraged me.
People say that you can choose to be offended. This is correct. However, there are things that people say that ARE offensive and ARE hurtful. So how is it that we choose to respond? Do we dwell on these comments and become more and more hurt/enraged?
I had become so horribly embarrassed at how I sounded that in public I refused to talk, and when I were to take a chance and voice something to those around me, strangers would stare. It became clear to me that the ability to deal with the stares was not quite my forte. Soon I learned that I truly cared too much what people thought. Here I was, having survived a 5th heart surgery and in recovery yet I felt weak at the strange looks shot my way due to the sound of my voice.
Something had to be learned here - and it was learning not to take offense.
I still remember sitting in church, feeling a great desire to voice a spiritual prompting that came to my mind. 'But they will stare.' I thought. Then felt peace come over me. It didn't matter what anyone thought. And I was in church, so it was a safe place.
Raising my hand, the woman leading the lesson called on me and I began to share what had filled my heart. Stopping me abruptly, the woman loudly said, "Please. Stop. You don't need to talk anymore."
I was confused, so I said, "I wasn't finished."
She shook her head, "Please don't talk anymore. You don't sound good."
Did that really just happen? I mean - really?
My face went flush and my heart raced faster. Embarrassment filled me and all I wanted to do was run out, but that would attract more attention so I sat there the rest of the class and kept my mouth closed and blinked back tears.
There were many experiences like this one, where people became quickly uncomfortable and would stop me and advise me to 'just stop talking,' or say immediately, 'you sound horrible.'
One very vivid memory is when I had gone back to work towards more full-time status. The owner of the company needed me to contact a local business and as it was the year 2005 the most reliable resource at that time was a phone book. The number was dialed, yet I somehow flipped the last two digits.
"Hello?" Came a woman's voice.
"Hi, I am looking for--" I can't remember what the call was about, but the woman on the other line began to chuckle slightly.
"Miss, this is an institution for the insane."
"Oh, I definitely have the wrong number." I said, flustered, voice barely audible and sounding like a croaking frog. Swallowing hard didn't do much to help as I had hoped it would.
She responded with some humor in her voice, yet very matter-of-fact, "You sure you're not looking for us? You definitely sound like you belong here."
I politely said goodbye, hung up the phone and felt large tears stream down my face. At this point it wasn't known yet if my voice would ever come back or have the ability to be 'normal'.
Later through frustration and tears I relayed the experience to my parents, their hearts breaking that someone might be so careless.
And that's the thing...a lot of times people are careless, heartless, offensive, all sorts of not-so-nice. Yet, we are placed in situations under, at times, less than desirable circumstances to have a chance to show our true character. How strong are we in the midst of belittlement? How is it that we respond to abrasive words and sarcastic remarks? It is important to remember that we must never become someones punching bag, we have a right to stand up for ourselves, but someone with true character is able to learn how to respond with firm conviction, always keeping in line with their beliefs and NEVER returning with belittlement and sarcasm to fight the offender.
At times I reflect on these moments of the past and think, "wow! I really failed that one!" Yet the important thing I am missing is that slowly and surely, these experiences have molded me and though they look as failures, they have become stepping stones to building a stronger character.
It's amazing how miraculous the healing of the vocal chord came - how it lasted for almost three years before medical intervention became necessary. The pain of the paralysis was debilitating at times, and to this day - though it has been corrected - I still find times when that pain returns and it hurts to speak - it feels forced - but no matter what I am ALWAYS grateful for the gift of speech.
Just as we all should be.
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