The Many Losses of Divorce

There are two sides to every story and I am not going to divulge the details of mine, however, the purpose of this post is to share some of the losses of divorce. This is a battle that others have had to fight or are currently fighting and it is the most devastating, heartbreaking, horrendous battle to face (next to losing a loved one in death).
If I took every heart surgery, leg surgery, vocal paralysis, car accident and pregnancy/child birth - divorce tops every single one of them. By a long shot.
For those of you that are in the midst of this fight to 'rise back up' after divorce let me sincerely say that I wish I could be there to cry with you and if anything pray that there is a strong, loving support system to buoy you up.

What you lose in divorce.
Relationships. Many of them. Not just your spouse but their family - so your family. At times I thought that being mature adults, and having grown to love each other throughout a decade, that things would remain the same. But things change. And in the midst of all this you lose 'your' family - the one you married into. The family that you spent holidays, birthdays, and vacations with. It is heartbreaking. And then you also lose friends.
Home. I went from being the homemaker of my home to moving in with my parents (which is no complaint - in fact it has been the absolute biggest blessing - but the loss is still there.) It feels like something is missing. We sold our home and at the time of leaving I had to literally numb myself and so I didn't quite process the 'leaving' part until I recently returned and drove down that familiar street in auto-pilot and saw that home - someone elses home.
Companionship. This should be the first on the list. Because this is the greatest loss of all. No matter the reason for divorce - even though I was the one that left - this was the most heartbreaking of all. For a long time I had prepared myself for the emotions and consequences (good and bad) that would follow leaving.
It has taken an entire year of intense healing to recover. For a solid 12 months I experienced waves of grief and guilt that consumed my emotional and mental health. When you divorce it is like unto experiencing a death on so many levels. The death of a spouse. The stages of grief (you can read about grief in this post HERE) were cyclical. There were several weeks where that bright light of hope was so far off in the distance that I wondered if peace would ever return, and when it did, I held onto that feeling as if my life depended on it.
You lose your best friend. Your marriage. Your eternal spouse. Your 'other half'.
MOST importantly - EVEN WHEN you receive that undeniable confirmation of the spirit testifying that your choice is GOD'S WILL - you will feel a chain wrap around you pulling you back into that situation you chose to leave. Just because it is right does not in any way negate that you will be without the urge to return. I liken this urge to a drug addict (as much as can be from my perspective being that I've never taken drugs). There is a withdrawal phase. Mentally and emotionally you will experience the pull...the withdrawal...no matter how devastating it would be to return your mind and heartache will convince you that going back would solve all the turmoil. There are so many women that are in a situation like mine that do return.
The ONLY reason I was able to fight this pull was the incredibly clear confirmation that my decision was God's will. If you have experienced this pull/urge to return then you understand perfectly what I am referring to.
Two parent home. When you divorce with children it is a whole new world that opens up. You go from a two parent home to a joint custody home (or shared, or sole depending on situation). In my case I went from seeing my children every day and every night to saying goodbye from two to five days at a time. Included in there is saying goodbye during the off holidays. I didn't have my children for Christmas last year and my heart never felt so empty that morning without them. In the midst of this loss came my parents and siblings to the rescue and they truly were tender mercies. My Christmas ended up being quite joyful.
As a mother you worry all the time in the beginning, and suddenly find that you've worried yourself sick because those beautiful children are no longer in your full-time care. And it hurts. You may become angry because this wasn't how you planned to raise your children and it all doesn't seem quite fair. But then again, we signed up for life and all the challenges that come with it, so eventually you may decide to figure out how to process this change and move forward. Soon adjustment comes and you get into a routine with the new custody. Life does continue, even if it is hard at times.
Expectations. Wherever you envisioned your life ending up, most of the time it wasn't in divorce. The loss of that 'so-called-happily-ever-after-life' and plans of the future are shattered. It is hard to swallow this new reality at times, the shock and denial a bit surreal, but eventually the shock wears off. Even though the what-should-have-beens take up too much space in your mind, with healing this loss will become nothing more than acceptance and you will move ahead with new hopes and dreams.

Tomorrow I will focus on healing from the many losses of divorce.

Let me leave this with you for those that are dealing with divorce.

There will be times that all of this is too much to bear. In many moments of grief over the last year I simply had to take one hour at a time. And then the hours became a day. Suddenly I would wake up and think, 'wow! I survived yesterday. When it seemed like my heart could not take anymore I somehow made it through. So that means I can survive today.' Many times I went from day-to-day just forging ahead and getting through so that I could wake up the next day and push through that day. There is no sugar-coating this process and the intense cycles of ups and downs it brings.

But now I am healed. And one day you will be healed too. There is so much I could share, yet I know it isn't appropriate or the right time for certain things. They are personal, and the majority of my experiences will be kept from the public eye, however, there is still a lot that I believe can be of help or encouragement and so I will continue to share what I feel directed to.
With much love,
Rochelle

The Voice of Character

While working as a secretary/receptionist for a small yet wonderful engineering company (an enormous blessing at that time), I had taken off the entire month of March and most of April for heart surgery and slowly began to work my way back into things. Going back for a full eight-hour day seemed like cake...HA!

I remember my dad picking me up after two hours at the office. Never had my body fatigued so quickly before. At 19 it felt as if I had aged to that of an eighty-year-old. Every rib hurt, every muscle in my back ached. "This is going to take longer than I thought," I forced the words to my dad on the ride home. The vocal paralysis was still fresh at this point in time.

Up until the miraculous recovery in late June, it was still necessary to sip on any liquid and swallow tiny amounts of food slowly or it would go down the wind pipe and immediately come right back up.

This was a difficult time not only due to the recovery physically and emotionally, but the inability to easily communicate with my family and friends greatly discouraged me.

People say that you can choose to be offended. This is correct. However, there are things that people say that ARE offensive and ARE hurtful. So how is it that we choose to respond? Do we dwell on these comments and become more and more hurt/enraged?

I had become so horribly embarrassed at how I sounded that in public I refused to talk, and when I were to take a chance and voice something to those around me, strangers would stare. It became clear to me that the ability to deal with the stares was not quite my forte. Soon I learned that I truly cared too much what people thought. Here I was, having survived a 5th heart surgery and in recovery yet I felt weak at the strange looks shot my way due to the sound of my voice.

Something had to be learned here - and it was learning not to take offense.

I still remember sitting in church, feeling a great desire to voice a spiritual prompting that came to my mind. 'But they will stare.' I thought. Then felt peace come over me. It didn't matter what anyone thought. And I was in church, so it was a safe place.

Raising my hand, the woman leading the lesson called on me and I began to share what had filled my heart. Stopping me abruptly, the woman loudly said, "Please. Stop. You don't need to talk anymore."
I was confused, so I said, "I wasn't finished."
She shook her head, "Please don't talk anymore. You don't sound good."
Did that really just happen? I mean - really?

My face went flush and my heart raced faster. Embarrassment filled me and all I wanted to do was run out, but that would attract more attention so I sat there the rest of the class and kept my mouth closed and blinked back tears.

There were many experiences like this one, where people became quickly uncomfortable and would stop me and advise me to 'just stop talking,' or say immediately, 'you sound horrible.'

One very vivid memory is when I had gone back to work towards more full-time status. The owner of the company needed me to contact a local business and as it was the year 2005 the most reliable resource at that time was a phone book. The number was dialed, yet I somehow flipped the last two digits.

"Hello?" Came a woman's voice.
"Hi, I am looking for--" I can't remember what the call was about, but the woman on the other line began to chuckle slightly.
"Miss, this is an institution for the insane."
"Oh, I definitely have the wrong number." I said, flustered, voice barely audible and sounding like a croaking frog. Swallowing hard didn't do much to help as I had hoped it would.
She responded with some humor in her voice, yet very matter-of-fact, "You sure you're not looking for us? You definitely sound like you belong here."
I politely said goodbye, hung up the phone and felt large tears stream down my face. At this point it wasn't known yet if my voice would ever come back or have the ability to be 'normal'.
Later through frustration and tears I relayed the experience to my parents, their hearts breaking that someone might be so careless.

And that's the thing...a lot of times people are careless, heartless, offensive, all sorts of not-so-nice. Yet, we are placed in situations under, at times, less than desirable circumstances to have a chance to show our true character. How strong are we in the midst of belittlement? How is it that we respond to abrasive words and sarcastic remarks? It is important to remember that we must never become someones punching bag, we have a right to stand up for ourselves, but someone with true character is able to learn how to respond with firm conviction, always keeping in line with their beliefs and NEVER returning with belittlement and sarcasm to fight the offender.

At times I reflect on these moments of the past and think, "wow! I really failed that one!" Yet the important thing I am missing is that slowly and surely, these experiences have molded me and though they look as failures, they have become stepping stones to building a stronger character.

It's amazing how miraculous the healing of the vocal chord came - how it lasted for almost three years before medical intervention became necessary. The pain of the paralysis was debilitating at times, and to this day - though it has been corrected - I still find times when that pain returns and it hurts to speak - it feels forced - but no matter what I am ALWAYS grateful for the gift of speech.
Just as we all should be.

Does Anger take away Agency?

"A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control." Elder Lynn G. Robbins

This puts exactly into words what today's blog post focuses on.
Let me begin first with a story.

One day a woman, with an ever-growing sense of fear of possible domestic violence or falling into the path of collateral damage, asked her husband, "So, um," her words echo softly as to avoid coming across as accusatory, "sometimes I feel like you get so angry that you might hit me. Do you think you would?"
His face is actually quite soft, controlled. "Why would you ask that?"
"Because you have these eruptions of anger out of nowhere, and you throw things, and I'm just scared that one of these times you might hit me. And if you did...there is no second chances."
He shakes his head, "that's not a fair question."
"Not fair?"
"Yeah, not fair. I mean, yeah, sometimes you make me so angry that I want to hit you. And I'm sure I'd feel bad after I hit you. So it's not fair that I wouldn't get a second chance. It's really a loaded question."

Now...whether or not you see the question of the wife as fair, or the response of the husband as valid, the point of this story is a HUGE lesson. When did justification of our emotions become acceptable for UNACCEPTABLE actions. As the quote says above...strategy of Satan is to dissociate anger from agency, MAKING US BELIEVE that we are victims of an emotion we cannot control.

In domestic violence/abuse cases there are an overwhelming majority of events that led to horrible mistreatment all the while the person abusing says something like this, "Well, I was really angry, so he/she deserved to be called/hit..." fill in the blanks

There are a lot of you ladies (and some men) that are in this very situation. In the midst of abuse you even begin to find yourselves questioning what is RIGHT versus what is absolutely WRONG. Abuse is NOT justifiable. Anger is an emotion we ALL experience, however, there is a very definitive line. 

The scary thing with anger is it transforms our spirit. We not only begin to justify our actions, but then carry them out. The power of anger is that you begin to become someone you are not - IF you allow this emotion to rule you.

So how do we fight that anger? Some people have extreme problems with anger to the point that intense therapy is necessary, and until this happens, the cycle of abusive anger will continue. They will not allow themselves to control the distinction between right and wrong but instead will allow the emotion to override their morale and drive their actions with reckless abandon.

Then there are the majority of people that feel anger creep in and see two paths: a festering monster to feed or an emotion to learn to MASTER and find peace.

The anger I felt very literally began to harden my heart, and it was a change I could feel. With it brought unhappiness, resentment, thoughts of revenge, and much darkness that overshadowed the path towards peace. Part of grief is anger, and when I realized that this step was necessary and 100% O.K. to experience (AND noticing that I was ALLOWING it to change me), I made a conscience, consistent effort to fight against the beast and push through the dark emotion toward healing.

One trap of anger is the need to justify, as I mentioned. But in my case the justification came with mulling over the past, the anger bubbling. Then came resentment that life hadn't gone as it should have (y'know that perfect world we think exists) and at that point hate came. My uncle said to me, "you have to experience anger. It's natural. But when you stop working through it and progressing and it instead consumes you then that's when you know you have gone too far."



Again...Satan's cunning plan is to make us believe that anger takes our agency, but nothing takes away our agency. Take again this wise counsel from Elder Lynn G. Robbins,
" We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”

“He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!"

And also from this incredible talk:

Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart. It is “that which cometh out of the mouth,” the Savior said; “this defileth a man” (Matt. 15:11). 

Choice and accountability are inseparable principles. Because anger is a choice, there is a strong warning in the (family) proclamation “that individuals … who abuse spouse or offspring, … will one day stand accountable before God.” 

One of the best things I did to work through anger was to accept the past and with that acceptance realize that though deep, dark hurtful things happened, my brain couldn't FIX the past. I had to STOP saying I wish this, and I wish that, and instead say every single day, "I can't fix the past. I am moving forward." No matter how much we look at the past, it will not change. So do what you can in this moment to create a brighter future. Don't wallow in the anger of your past.

As all emotions are to be experienced we must also realize that it is the mastering of these emotions that will lead us to developing God-like attributes, which is the ultimate goal of our learning here on this earth.

 

Femoral Repair No. 2

Rewind a bit. Spring 2004, Salt Lake City, Utah somewhat freshly out of High School and thrown into the real world of work and school. I had known that I would be moving to Arizona some time in May, so for the time I found a job as a hostess and set out to make new friends.

During this time leg aches began in the right leg and I wondered what on earth could be causing the pain. It came at first as merely a nuisance, that same throbbing that was somewhat similar to growing pains. Then the point came where walking from the parking lot and up any stairs increased the pain. Speaking with my mom, she wondered if maybe there was a problem arising with the repair that had been done back in 1992 when I was 7 years old.

When May came and the move from SLC to Arizona was finished, I quickly settled into a routine, yet the leg aches never eased up. After seeing a doctor and receiving advice to continue to go throughout daily exercise to increase exercise, I enrolled in dance at the college. The leg continued to be a painful part of every single day. There were times when hip, thigh, calf and the foot would be so sore (lack of oxygen) that it would become debilitating. It is odd how I don't remember much of this, but I have it written in my journal. And I'm grateful I do.

Finally, in December of 2004 when my parents and I went in for a check-up of the leg and to discuss options with the cardiologist and receive a referral to a surgeon, we were informed that the heart needed another surgery. This is when the fifth heart surgery, previously written about, happened. Though the leg was causing a lot of misery, it had to wait.

While on my honeymoon, just a week after getting married, I received a call from my mom. We were to go home early because the doctor had called my parents. I needed to get back for surgery as soon as possible. I was married July 16th and had my pre-op evaluation and tests done on July 22nd and surgery on July 25th. A big worry was the breathing tube for this surgery as my voice had only been back for a month. If there was trauma to the one working vocal cord, I could very well be a mute forever. We discussed the concern with the surgeon and a smaller breathing tube was used.

This was a 6 week recovery and brought with it one scar laterally down my leg about 3 inches long. A second scar from above the hip wrapping down around my abdomen nearly 8 inches long. When I awoke the wound was extremely swollen and sore, yet I was happy to eventually heal and have the ability to walk and no longer be in pain.

Within 1 week after the surgery I received a call from Wells Fargo offering me an interview. A HUGE blessing. We (my husband and I) had been praying that I would be able to find a job with health benefits for myself and for him as our biggest goal was for me to forego going to school at the time and support us financially so that he could finish his bachelors and then continue into a masters degree.

I didn't know what to say to the manager on the phone, but went with the truth, "I just got out of the hospital from having a surgery done on my leg and can't sit for very long. I really want this job."

The manager didn't mind one bit. I wasn't allowed to drive for six weeks, and so my aunt picked me up on interview morning and drove me in. The interview went very well and on the spot they offered me a position. We discussed different start training dates (I had to drive to Phoenix and train). I was able to wait to train for a month and when I began I was fully healed.

This was an incredible blessing and I look back and am amazed how Heavenly Father had such a huge role in providing for me and my new husband at a difficult time.

Recoverying the Heart

Once home from the hospital, 5th open heart surgery completed, the time came to heal. Due to the intense, long recovery ahead, I had not enrolled in college for the semester. It would take at least six weeks to begin to feel strength return.
At the time I lived at home, my two younger siblings still attending High School, and shared the 'tall' bed with my younger sister. It quickly became apparent that getting in and out of a high bed post chest surgery would not work. My mom transferred me to the lower bed.
For more than two weeks my mom would dress and undress me. Shower me. Poor my milk in my cereal. Help me to lie down in bed and to get out of bed. Basically, everything I did was with assistance.
I remember thinking that lifting a gallon of milk wasn't such a big deal and so with my 'Hulk-like' strength I wrapped my fingers around the handle and began to lift the jug to pour. The gallon felt like a 50pound anchor super-glued to the counter and I dropped the gallon, spilling milk everywhere. My grip strength wasn't even strong enough to hold on. My sternum stretched and seemed as if it were on the verge of ripping in half. I stayed away from proving my strength, or lack of, and tried to heed the doctors orders from there on out.
In the evenings and sometimes in the nice afternoon, my dad and I would take little walks up and down the sidewalk moving at a record slow, even for a snail, pace. "We went further that time, dad." I would say. He would nod, "you're doing really well, Shel," and then with exhaustion I would turn around and go back in the house where I would slowly lower myself into the chair.
The doctor put me on anti-depressants for after the surgery, and I thought such a thing was ridiculous. Until I realized the trauma. The heart is many things - literal and figurative. It is the VERY heart of the body physically, and it is figuratively the HEART of the body. It is the Soul. With the trauma of physically handling the heart, there comes a lot of emotional trauma.
The blues set-in with such heaviness at one point that I found myself staring for hours at the walls, wanting to go on no more. Life had no meaning. Here I was almost like a baby, unable to take care of myself. My mom would set up a lawn chair out on the patio before leaving for work (my dad was home during the day) and say, "When I get home I will ask you if you went outside and got sunshine. You better say 'yes'."
So...doing as mother told me, I would trudge outside and ever-so slowly lower myself into the chair and stare at the sky. I suppose it was better than staring at the walls. In all honesty, I did not handle recovery well emotionally.
There was one of the wires inside that began to poke from beneath the skin. The cardiologist advised that there are cases where a wire has come loose and poke through the skin. Around the wire, the skin became translucent and it frightened me to think that the wire could come through. Still to this day, if I lay on my belly on a floor, the wires closing the sternum are so close to the skin that I can feel them against the flooring. Putting a pillow between myself and the floor seems to help.
When the body began to rid itself of the extremely heavy doses of medication, my body went in to a withdrawal. The headaches came on gradually, until one day the throbbing was beyond any headache I had ever known. There are people that suffer from debilitating migraines, and I honestly do not understand how they cope. The pain of this headache debilitated me and then intensified so quickly that I began vomiting. With each heave, I held the bowl with one hand and placed the other firmly against my sternum. The seams of my freshly glued skin felt as if they were tearing.  I had a priesthood blessing for the headache and within minutes it was completely gone.
At night in my sleep, my sister later told me (post recovery) that most nights she would wake-up to me crying. She would look over and see that I was still asleep, yet I was crying and muttering, "It hurts. It hurts."
I don't remember the exact pain anymore, just the vivid thought over and over, "if I ever have to do this again, I think I would rather die." To say that the pain was the worst pain experienced by the human body would grossly exaggerated, however, it was enough to bring me to tears many of the days.
During this recovery my voice was also greatly damaged still. Most of the time my voice was a hoarse whisper, and when I tried to use it too much, it would go away completely. I tried to communicate by writing but got very impatient and ended up hurting myself worse by trying to force the speaking. I got in to a habit of taking tiny sips of water, holding it in my mouth, then preparing and swallowing. This was to avoid immediately vomiting the water back up as it would go down my wind pipe if I wasn't careful.
After about 4 weeks I started attending my parents church family congregation, then around 8 weeks started going back to the Young Singles Ward with my fiance.
I am not sure how people go through a procedure like this, or similar, without the support of family and without the support of the Lord. It was, up to that point in my life, one of the most difficult and painful experiences.
Now as I look back, I know that the physical pain of the body can never compare to the emotional pain of the body. One thing that amazes me is how much our Spirit can hurt, badly enough that at times feels as if our heart is breaking.
This pain of the spirit and emotional heartbreak would come later in my life, but not much.

What Storm Does She Walk Through?

*Disclaimer: I realize that my posts are HEAVY. This memoir was not written with the need to life vomit all the hard things in an effort to prove something, but to lay out what I have learned/experienced throughout thirty years. Never have I or will I ever believe to be an expert. Also, sometimes I skip writing days because I don't want those reading this to become bogged down. My attempts at keeping a positive story-telling, if you will, of my life events must also be accompanied by the raw truth of these things. I have never been one to sugar coat, and I won't ever be. So, know that I am a grateful, happy woman of incredible faith in God, and that my main purpose is to let someone else know that they are not alone. With that being said...

We are unaware of what others are suffering, what their world looks like inside the four-walls of their home. It is human nature to judge, tear down and to criticize. For some people this behavior of judgment is done whimsically, without thought or care of the depth of suffering or heartache of what that stranger, friend or family member is experiencing. Other times the tearing down of one another is done with malice.

My message today is from the experience of both sides.

A while back I was working out at the gym. I saw this beautiful girl around my age with a super cute figure. Always noticing the regulars I thought, "She looks like she would be stuck-up. I wonder if she's nice?"
A few weeks after I was talking to a friend who mention
ed this girl, she knew her and I asked if she was a nice girl. They told me that she had had a horrible scare, almost died. She had several brain tumors and the surgery ended up really affecting her. At this time I began to scold myself. How horrible to pass judgment. How un-Christlike to assume something of someone I know NOTHING about. This was eye-opening. I should not have compassion on someone just by learning of their difficulties, but have compassion on them BEFORE ever knowing. Compassion towards a stranger is a sign of character, and I needed to improve my character.

The other experience of life in being torn down from the other side is one I will not delve into much. It is sensitive for all involved and most importantly one that should be done so in the most respectful and appropriate manner. It is not my intention to destroy anyone's reputation or give 'a bad name' but to share something that may be helpful because it is from other people sharing that helped me.
What I will say is that I have been the victim of abuse for a decade. When you are a victim of abuse, you begin to lose parts of yourself as a coping mechanism and to shield yourself - this is how we survive. 

The experience of being torn down for so many years has given me the eyes to see with compassion and to speak with kindness (though it is still a work in progress at times - it is for everyone). Now I have trained myself to think when seeing a stranger, 'if they are going through anything like I have/am, how desperately they will need kindness.'
We do not know details of peoples lives, even if we THINK we know. Those within my most trusted circle had no idea of the struggles I was facing - because those that are hurting the most are sometimes the best at hiding it!!

The best message I can get across from this post is how greatly your life will be changed for the better when you begin to see others without judgment, and in doing this there will no longer be a frivolous need to tear down, but instead a heartfelt desire to BUILD UP!

A few Resources:
Caroline Abbott (Christian Abuse Blog)
Healthy Place

Freely Given. Freely Receive.

"To be admitted to His presence, we must be more than clean. We must also be changed." (Elder Dallin H. Oaks. With Full Purpose of Heart, 126-127)

In this particular time of life, there is something that I have never quite experienced in such depth as I am now. In fact, it is regarding a principle that always felt like it should be so natural and easy.
How wrong I have been.

The Forgiving of the Self.
This itself is difficult because with forgiving yourself you must acknowledge and take accountability for those things that were done in the wrong. (Sometimes, it is blaming ourselves for actions or things that were not our doing, yet we feel responsible and take the brunt of the guilt and sin.)
Taking responsibility for our wrongdoings leaves us vulnerable as it strips away our pride, leaving us to recognize ourselves as the mere mortals we are, with a vision of how GREATLY we need THE Savior.

Depending on the action being repented for, the depth and the far-reaching consequences it may have had/or has, it truly can be easy to sit in our guilt and anguish, wondering if we can ever become more than a sinner. This is a deceptive tool of the adversary. To trap us in the wallowing stage of guilt and self-loathing will surely drag down our soul into an even deeper trap.
With this, it is vital to remember that Christ's sacrifice on the cross was not for a specific list of souls, and those not on this list would perish.
Sounds absurd when saying it aloud, right? Yes, it does. That is because the atonement is specifically for every, single soul that has come or ever will come to this Earth. Do not deny yourself the atonement for a sin/transgression because Satan has trapped you into believing that Jesus did not suffer for all your mistakes, however small or large they may be.
As stated in The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox he writes: "Christs' gifts are FREELY given, but they must also be freely RECEIVED." (page 38)
Gerald N. Lund wrote: Remember that one of Satan's strategies, especially with good people, is to whisper in their ears: 'If you are not perfect, you are failing.' This is ONE OF HIS MOST effective deceptions...We should recognize that God is pleased with EVERY effort we make-no matter how faltering-to better ourselves." (Are We Expected to Achieve Perfection in This Life? page 207)


The Forgiving of Others

Consider this perspective:
I will forgive someone as long as they acknowledge their wrongdoing and receive proper justice.

Unfortunately, this skewed thinking is something I have personally experienced and am currently working through.
There has been extremely deep scarring in my life due to the actions of someone whom I hold and love most dearly. Because of the irreversible damage to trust and intimate parts of a relationship, I knew that eventually with a lot of work and spiritual growth I could learn to forgive this person, however, the relationship was such that it had not only emotionally ripped me apart, but had destroyed me mentally and spiritually. The damage was affecting me physically to the point that I still remember sitting in front of my Cardiologist in review of my current health. He said, "You had no option but to leave, my dear. The long-term mistreatment would have cut your life expectancy drastically." He predicted that the stress of the mistreatment and what it was doing to my heart, mind, soul and physical body would cut more than 20 years off of my life.

I knew when he spoke those words he was right. The spirit testified of this truth, and my soul hungered to get away. It was very literally fighting to survive.

So how do we forgive?
I imagined coming to terms with the unhealthy treatment I received over many years and being able to audibly say, "All is forgiven!" And then all that hurt, anger, and deep dark emotions would be gone and in their place peace would fill my soul.

This is not the case. Such dark experiences that damage ones heart, soul, mind and body not only take time, but a changing of ourselves as well. Not just a changing, but a healing and renewal.
What? Am I saying that in order to forgive someone we have to change ourselves? Yes. I am.
The Atonement is always a refiner's fire, because whether we are the ones asking for forgiveness or extending it, there is a mighty change that must happen in our hearts. We begin to truly see how deeply the Savior loves each and every one of us. He loves those that have been hurt and he loves those that have done the hurting.
Up until this moment in my life, I never truly understood the depth of forgiveness.
It is not our responsibility to decide if the ones who have hurt us deserve forgiveness. Instead, we must change our hearts to love them as the Savior does so that we may become as He is. So that we may see with an eternal perspective how our Father in Heaven and Savior weep not only for our hurt, but for the transgressor. Because they too are suffering, just in a different way.

With this perspective, it is easy to understand now why the Savior commanded, "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another, for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. 10. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is require to forgive all men. 11. And ye ought to say in your heart - let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to they deeds." (D&C 64: 9 -11)

Now you may wonder if I have forgiven. Not entirely. It is a daily effort. Walking into this refining fire has ripped me apart, made me vulnerable, and opened my eyes to those things that must be changed within myself, those weaknesses that are holding me back from progressing.
I look forward to the day when I have stepped through this refining fire (I'm sure more will come), with a heartfelt extending of forgiveness. Not just out of obligation to do it, but because my soul has truly transformed.

The Savior's sacrifice on the cross is enough, it has always been so and will always continue to be. 

"The final judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts - what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts - what we have become...you will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived." (With Full Purpose of Heart, page 38. Dallin H. Oaks.)

Sliver of a Moment of Peace

Tonight is one of those nights. Computer open, mind ready to work out the last few details of the accident and nothing is flowing, in fact, words are getting tangled up in my mind into a jumbled mess.

So...it must mean that maybe there is something else that needs to be shared/written. I've been waiting for a bit, this little bitty brain full of 'phenomenal cosmic power' (movie trivia) is about to turn in for the night. Too much sitting and staring at a bright screen kicks in the sleep sheep, so pretty soon here I'll be counting...1 sheep...2 sheep...3 sheep.

Oh my!
I'll end with this so it's not totally a lame sauce post:
As I attended the Temple yesterday a beautiful moment of mercy and love came to me in the form of a friend. You see, for several weeks my prayers have consisted of asking God to surround me with His angels, to protect, buoy, shelter and comfort me in this time of deepening trials. Specifically I have opened my heart to God of my loneliness and the heartache of lost companionship (even though it was my choice to leave and I do not regret it).

As I am sitting in the beautiful temple waiting to begin the ceremony, (learn more here),in walks a woman, a kind-hearted friend that is the same age as my mother.

I have known her for quite some time. Want to know something pretty amazing? We're related. Our grandfathers are cousins.

In the midst of life and those things we pray for, God always hears.
Wow!
And not only hears but answers.
Incredible!
Just like He answered yesterday with an unexpected friend/family member, someone that sat next to me and helped me to not feel quite so alone.

What a loving Father in Heaven. There are no words. At times I wish that I could explain the deep love and beauty of the relationship that I have developed with God, yet there are no earthly words. I imagine that once we are in our Heavenly Home after this life has finished, the words will flow, and there will be a celestial beauty to the language and expression of How Great Thou Art!

A Difficult Step. Anger.

In search for what to share over the last few days, it felt only natural to touch on a topic that has been so incredibly present in my life these last months.

First, anger.
I'm not speaking that I have anger where my temper flares so high that those around me should worry of becoming collateral damage in the fit of rage. No, I am speaking of anger that comes from the stages of Grief. 
 What are the stages of grief? Click here.

Mind you - I am definitely no expert when it comes to anything scientifically speaking on topics such as these, but, experience in these areas and a lot of therapy, counseling, speaking with extremely wise family and friends has given me some knowledge that I hope to pass along. And, though this post may not speak of all that there is to cover in such a topic, my greatest desire is that it will resonate within someone's heart.

1.Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

Since this post is not specifically to touch on grief, I will just brush on it a bit in relation to where my anger comes in.
*First I experienced Denial (not isolation). I kept saying over and over, "Is this really happening?? I CAN'T BELIEVE this is happening." Every time I thought about the situation and the choice that had to be made it kept slapping me in the face with SHOCK and DENIAL.
*Secondly, I hit Bargaining. If I had just been more perfect. If I had just LOVED more. If I had been SMARTER, HAPPIER...IF, IF, IF...
- I flip-flopped between denial and bargaining for quite some time.
*Depression. This is where those horrible blues crept in and brought debilitating heartache that seemed to leave life at a hopeless standstill.
-At this point in time I was experiencing steps 1,3,4 mixed in with IMMENSE amounts of GRIEF.
After 10 months of flipping between all these steps, finally ANGER hit me so hard that it consumed me like a ravenous forest-fire bound to destroy everything in its path if it was not quickly extinguished. It would take more than what I could do on my own. I will post soon about how I have been able to move through all these steps when they presented themselves.

Now, Anger is an important part of grief and it MUST BE FELT. However, being that my nature is a peaceful, loving and non-contentious personality, suddenly experiencing so much ANGER brought out feelings I had never before known - nor did I want to. As I even sat in the Temple (what are temples?), the thoughts kept coming, 'Am I still a Christ-like person when I have so much Anger? Is it possible to be a good person and be THIS angry?'

These were not feelings of light, love, and hope that I felt I had been working towards, but instead these emotions swirled inside like a whirlwind of hurricane clouds so fiercely dark and heavy that my soul seemed it had become lost in a wilderness of despair. Forever to roam and cry for relief.

From a talk given my President Thomas S. Monson -
“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.”  
 Lawrence Douglas Wilder, quoted in “Early Hardships Shaped Candidates,” Deseret News, Dec
. 7, 1991, A2.

So, as important as it is to FEEL the steps of anger in the grieving process, there is an important lesson. Do not allow your soul to be consumed in those whirlwind clouds of anger - to sit in the eye of the hurricane and live forever in our anger would be a most terrible fate.
Instead - know that the eye of that awful storm of anger always moves on, the clouds dissipate, and the sun comes out, but only AFTER we allow ourselves to feel, realize, accept and move through the rain and gloom. Do not allow your soul to be caught up and thrown about in the tempest winds forever.

President Monson also said:
"We’ve all felt anger. It can come when things don’t turn out the way we want. It might be a reaction to something which is said of us or to us. We may experience it when people don’t behave the way we want them to behave. Perhaps it comes when we have to wait for something longer than we expected. We might feel angry when others can’t see things from our perspective. There seem to be countless possible reasons for anger.

In absolutely no way do I believe I am perfect, or even close to such a trait. In many ways, I stay in the Bargaining step of grief constantly, seeing all the little and big things that I COULD have done, or SHOULD have done...I take a lot of blame. This is also dangerous.

Each step is important, and some are much more difficult and lingering than others. But...they can be overcome, and they do get easier - little by little.

Look to the light in the sky, notice the sun shining through the parting clouds after that tumultuous storm, and there you will see hope, love, and a future brimming with happiness and joy.






Incredible insight here