In this particular time of life, there is something that I have never quite experienced in such depth as I am now. In fact, it is regarding a principle that always felt like it should be so natural and easy.
How wrong I have been.
The Forgiving of the Self.
This itself is difficult because with forgiving yourself you must acknowledge and take accountability for those things that were done in the wrong. (Sometimes, it is blaming ourselves for actions or things that were not our doing, yet we feel responsible and take the brunt of the guilt and sin.)
Taking responsibility for our wrongdoings leaves us vulnerable as it strips away our pride, leaving us to recognize ourselves as the mere mortals we are, with a vision of how GREATLY we need THE Savior.
Depending on the action being repented for, the depth and the far-reaching consequences it may have had/or has, it truly can be easy to sit in our guilt and anguish, wondering if we can ever become more than a sinner. This is a deceptive tool of the adversary. To trap us in the wallowing stage of guilt and self-loathing will surely drag down our soul into an even deeper trap.
With this, it is vital to remember that Christ's sacrifice on the cross was not for a specific list of souls, and those not on this list would perish.Sounds absurd when saying it aloud, right? Yes, it does. That is because the atonement is specifically for every, single soul that has come or ever will come to this Earth. Do not deny yourself the atonement for a sin/transgression because Satan has trapped you into believing that Jesus did not suffer for all your mistakes, however small or large they may be.
As stated in The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox he writes: "Christs' gifts are FREELY given, but they must also be freely RECEIVED." (page 38)
Gerald N. Lund wrote: Remember that one of Satan's strategies, especially with good people, is to whisper in their ears: 'If you are not perfect, you are failing.' This is ONE OF HIS MOST effective deceptions...We should recognize that God is pleased with EVERY effort we make-no matter how faltering-to better ourselves." (Are We Expected to Achieve Perfection in This Life? page 207)
The Forgiving of Others
Consider this perspective:
I will forgive someone as long as they acknowledge their wrongdoing and receive proper justice.
Unfortunately, this skewed thinking is something I have personally experienced and am currently working through.
There has been extremely deep scarring in my life due to the actions of someone whom I hold and love most dearly. Because of the irreversible damage to trust and intimate parts of a relationship, I knew that eventually with a lot of work and spiritual growth I could learn to forgive this person, however, the relationship was such that it had not only emotionally ripped me apart, but had destroyed me mentally and spiritually. The damage was affecting me physically to the point that I still remember sitting in front of my Cardiologist in review of my current health. He said, "You had no option but to leave, my dear. The long-term mistreatment would have cut your life expectancy drastically." He predicted that the stress of the mistreatment and what it was doing to my heart, mind, soul and physical body would cut more than 20 years off of my life.
I knew when he spoke those words he was right. The spirit testified of this truth, and my soul hungered to get away. It was very literally fighting to survive. So how do we forgive?
I imagined coming to terms with the unhealthy treatment I received over many years and being able to audibly say, "All is forgiven!" And then all that hurt, anger, and deep dark emotions would be gone and in their place peace would fill my soul.
This is not the case. Such dark experiences that damage ones heart, soul, mind and body not only take time, but a changing of ourselves as well. Not just a changing, but a healing and renewal.
What? Am I saying that in order to forgive someone we have to change ourselves? Yes. I am.
The Atonement is always a refiner's fire, because whether we are the ones asking for forgiveness or extending it, there is a mighty change that must happen in our hearts. We begin to truly see how deeply the Savior loves each and every one of us. He loves those that have been hurt and he loves those that have done the hurting.
Up until this moment in my life, I never truly understood the depth of forgiveness.
It is not our responsibility to decide if the ones who have hurt us deserve forgiveness. Instead, we must change our hearts to love them as the Savior does so that we may become as He is. So that we may see with an eternal perspective how our Father in Heaven and Savior weep not only for our hurt, but for the transgressor. Because they too are suffering, just in a different way.
With this perspective, it is easy to understand now why the Savior commanded, "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another, for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. 10. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is require to forgive all men. 11. And ye ought to say in your heart - let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to they deeds." (D&C 64: 9 -11)Now you may wonder if I have forgiven. Not entirely. It is a daily effort. Walking into this refining fire has ripped me apart, made me vulnerable, and opened my eyes to those things that must be changed within myself, those weaknesses that are holding me back from progressing.
I look forward to the day when I have stepped through this refining fire (I'm sure more will come), with a heartfelt extending of forgiveness. Not just out of obligation to do it, but because my soul has truly transformed.
The Savior's sacrifice on the cross is enough, it has always been so and will always continue to be.
"The final judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts - what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts - what we have become...you will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived." (With Full Purpose of Heart, page 38. Dallin H. Oaks.)
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