Willing Heart is a Clean Heart

Being around people you love tends to rejuvenate the soul. And that explains the absence from the blog. Time spent with wonderful people away from the bustle of the world.
Now I'm back and should be posting daily ;)

When I open my computer, push the power button twenty times and get frustrated when it's not working, and then realize it's out of battery, I take a few minutes to mull over what exactly it is that should be shared.
All of the topics written are things that have become a necessary area of growth in my life, and a lot of the time (okay, not a lot but 100% of the time) I find that as a mortal with a carnal mind and nature, there is so much work left to do to become the best version of myself. Because of this continual process, I went out and bought the wonderful book The Continuous Atonement that has brought a new understanding, even just within the first few chapters.

Today I feel impressed to open up a little about forgiveness, and in the next few weeks, maybe I will find an appropriate way to open up a little more in regards to the depth of forgiveness and how it has impacted my life.

deep, dark hurt

In no way have I perfected forgiveness, in fact, to be completely vulnerable and self-disclosing, just yesterday the fire of unforgiveness consumed me so fully that it brought me to tears. In this moment the thought overwhelmed me that the forgiveness that needs to happen in my life will NEVER happen, because it is for things that are so deep, dark and painful that a part of me wants to hold on with clenched fists and never, ever let go. Part of me WANTS to be angry forever. Part of me WANTS to reflect upon those deep, dark, painful things and feel boiling mad each time they come to the surface.

Then there's my spirit...the beautifully created spirit within this mortal body that DESIRES to be free of the deep, dark pain. DESIRES so richly to be made whole, and to forgive so fully that my heart will LOVE unconditionally as the Savior does. Because that is what forgiveness is. To LOVE others and ourselves as the Savior loves us. Because regardless of the deep, dark pain that happens in our lives it is the goal to hand it over to Him who has ALREADY paid for every hurt (and sin).

To quote The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox - "Christ's gifts are freely given, but they must also be freely received (D&C 88:33)" WOW!! Seriously read this and had to pause a moment. Do I freely receive Christ's gift of the Atonement?

My uncle spoke to me a bit about this and said (as best as I can remember), "Forgiving takes time. It doesn't happen in a few days. It's normal to feel mad or angry. But when you become consumed, that's when you need to take a step back."

And there are moments that I have become consumed. That feeling of self-pity validates the deep, dark hurt - and it feeds the carnal mind. The spirit draws back.

Willing heart that forgives becomes clean

The most important step that I have come to is being able to SEE what part of me is taking over in the process of forgiving and making the switch so the process is led with Spiritual eyes - not Carnal eyes/mind. Doing so will result in not only personal growth, but the ability to turn the heart towards the Savior's beautiful gift of the Atonement. A gift that I have already felt so overwhelmingly in my life that it has many times brought me to tears. It is a gift of pure love, pure joy, pure acceptance by a merciful God and Savior that DESIRE us to return to them. It is a gift that must be received FREELY with a heart that is WILLING to change.

WILLING to change. That part that holds on to the deep, dark hurt out of pity and anger and becomes consumed - the willingness to change is not there. However, hope is not lost. Thankfully, we don't have to get it right the first time, in fact, it may take several times that we return and begin anew, laying all that deep, dark hurt at the feet of a loving Savior and saying, "I want to change. HELP me to change. Thy will be done."
It is a beautiful thing to feel the power of the Atonement in your life. It is in fact so powerful that it WILL change you, if you allow it to. And over and over again as you return, all that hurt will no longer exist, instead it will be full of immense PEACE.

Have the courage. Have the strength. Have the desire to seek the Savior and accept his freely given gift of the Atonement, and your eyes will see as they never have before.

Forgiving is hard. In fact, I always thought as the kind person I am, that forgiving was so easy and natural. It is not. Neither easy. Neither natural. It is difficult. And the deeper the hurt the harder it is to forgive. These things simply TAKE TIME.

 In order to remove tar from the body, it must be hardened (with ice), and then as it crackles, it must then be peeled/chipped off the skin. We must willingly apply the ice. Allow the time it takes to harden. And slowly chip away until the flesh is clean.

In this process of forgiving myself and events that have caused a deep, dark hurt, it will take time, and most importantly, a willingness to hand over those things to the Savior and finally move forward in life.