How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk!

How 'bout we take a break from the accident...eh? We'll return to it tomorrow, promise (imagine me winking at you!!)

Now...in the midst of life changes comes a new venture rather foreign to me, only because it's been about over a decade.

Dating. Yes, you heard me right. If you didn't know by now I am recently divorced. I'm not going to delve into that at this point in time, and if I ever do, it will be done so as the other posts regarding anger, grief, stages that are experienced and how to work through them.

But when it does comes to getting out there in the world of singles I have quickly learned the importance of taking time to entirely recover from the past so that the future CAN be better. Being without companionship when it was a HUGE part of life for many years means that there is an overwhelming urge to jump right back in, because the mind wants to attach to anyone, therefore, making a NOT SO GREAT catch seem like a 'really' great catch. (DON'T be fooled!)
You see, the mind sees and accepts exactly what it wants sometimes, and when in a vulnerable, grieving, heartbroken state it wants, very badly, to be with someone - ANYONE. This dandy book recommended by my therapist explains it all and how to avoid the JERKS out there whether it be the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd time around...you see, no one wants a repeat!

In the moving forward phase, there are some really incredible insights gained about myself and there is nothing I have been more grateful for than the time that I have taken to completely take charge of my life in every aspect: physical, emotional, mental health. The growth that has been able to happen while focusing solely on me and my two boys has been exponential!! So, here is a little nugget I've learned and will share. Take it or leave it.

Regardless of what happens to end a serious (marriage) relationship, one of the worst things anyone can do is to move on too quickly, especially if there was never proper healing.

So all you ladies and gents - every single person should get this...

How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk by John Van Epp, Ph.D.

A few of my favoritest (I know it's not a word, but I like how it sounds) quotes so far are:

"...going further in the sexual relationship than what you have established in the other areas of commitment, reliance, trust, and knowing our partner will put you at risk for creating a false intimacy, minimizing and overlooking warning signs, and staying in a bad relationship too long." (page 82 paragraph 2)

What is amazing about this book is how it talks about sexual relationship being a commitment in marriage, and I LOVE that. I LOVE that it emphasizes knowing your partner on an emotional level and to stay away from the physical because once physical attachment happens, we easily overlook red flags with our rose colored glasses because humans are meant to attach and pair off. So...keep those hands to yo'self and first get to know your partner before you know them!! My belief is saving sexual relationships until marriage, and this book explains exactly why it is so beneficial doing just that.

"Your actions speak so loudly I can't hear what you're saying!" ... and more on this...
"Few experiences in life create as much self-doubt as trying to decipher an incongruent partner. Beware of a relationship that has incongruence. Undoubtedly, you will find yourself in a position of feeling compromised because you accept some wrong when it becomes smoothed over by some right." (page 117 paragraphs 2 and 3)

Never accept hurtful actions and words by a redeeming gesture. There must be accountability, responsibility, and asking forgiveness to repair the damage done to the trust bond. This will mend the tear. One who MINIMIZES or makes light, SAYS it did not happen, or SHIFTS responsibility of their hurtful words/actions is committing EMOTIONAL ABUSE!
As stated in the book, "A gift or good deed should not be used to smooth over a pattern of hurtful words." (page 119 paragraph 2) This is A HUGE RED FLAG and will only MAGNIFY from the dating to marital relationship.

And final one for this post:

"Patterns only surface when there has been sufficient time for the pattern to repeat...make sure you have seen the pattern of your partner's emotional temperament." (page 96 paragraph 2 and 3)

It takes a good 3 months to really see the patterns, extreme cases more time, but most people can only keep up the 'perfect guy/gal with no flaws' for no more than 3 months. Watch for the flags, and don't physically engage too soon or those rose-colored glasses will never see the warnings! And when they do see them, they'll be easily swept under the rug and forgotten.

More on this another time...