It's a CRAZY road...our Attitude can change that.

The difficulty in life's challenges is the ability to keep ahead of the bumps that sometimes throw you off course.
My favorite moments are when the road is freshly paved, the sun shining through a break of clouds yet blocked by the sunglasses resting on the bridge of my nose. The radio blares a favorite tune. Life is great. The trees, fences, and electrical posts lining the side of the pavement fly-by in a whir as life moves forward at an incredible yet wonderful speed.

This is the highway of freedom and joy, where the stop signs have been thrown out, stop-lights are prohibited and the speed bumps that seem to slow down the ride have all been smoothed out for quick stream-lining.
There have been several moments of clarity and beauty in this process of life where the road feels to stretch out so far that the upcoming turns, bridges, construction or the crossing of deer are impossible to see. Life is blessed and beautiful. Life is calm.
At some point I know, just as we all do, that the road is never completely straight nor is it free of construction. Signs pop up alerting us of 'falling rocks' or a shift in the pavement. Those are moments where we grip the steering wheel extra tight and mutter, "Hold on to your britches, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."
Most of the time, in fact I would bet about 99%, warnings do not come... or maybe we're not on the lookout and have missed the giant sign that reads 'Watch out! Sharp turn ahead'.
You've got going so fast that the car screeches and nearly catapults you through the window as the 90-degree turn whips you against the seat-belt. Luckily, you've got some protection to keep you safe. No matter the case, you breathe deeply in as your life almost came to an end.

What is all this talking about? Well, you are much too smart not to catch the drift.

Oftentimes I find that life isn't quite as planned, and if you must know, I honestly have quit planning in most ways. There are too many variables to set up your life and hope it goes down that path of perfection. There are too many people in this world that we can't avoid the butterfly affect. What we can plan on is our attitude.

I wake up some days feeling entirely overwhelmed and blessed with how amazing my life is...and some days anxiety greets me like an ice ball to the face. The best solution I have found for the latter is being positive.

Think of all the times you've been cut-off by jerks and how that person deserves this and that, you may find road-rage suddenly controlling you. By the time you arrive at work, you are so worked-up by this driver (who is now well off with their day), that you can't seem to forget how big of a jerk they were. You tell all your co-workers, then your spouse, and then you stew about it while driving the next day thinking how angry you'll be if someone cuts you off again.

Wow.

Or...same scenario. You think to yourself, 'wow, they are not paying attention. What a jerk, they could have caused a major wreck BUT
I'm not going to let them ruin my day. Today is going to be great. I have that meeting with my boss for a possible promotion, we are celebrating mom's birthday tonight. Oh well someone cut me off. Today will be great!'

The two will result in a drastically different day. The Power of Attitude. Our individual road in life is different and unique and some of us have it pretty stinkin' hard. What I love is that we get to choose how we respond and what our attitude will be in every situation. That is part of mastering ourselves and our natural man desire to get stuck in the negative. It takes a lot to always be positive, especially on extremely trying days, but the more you practice the better you'll get at it and the more you will realize that there really is no other way to be.
Now, I'll get off my soap box...

Rochelle
 Now listen to 'The Strangest Secret' by Earl Nightingale

The Many Pit Stops

Healing after divorce seems to come in different waves. First you are presented with the finality of the ending of a relationship.  As time passes and you begin to heal it does get a bit easier, but just as a death of someone you love, there are moments where suddenly, out of nowhere you have a gut-wrenching sadness that enters the pit of your stomach. Divorce is like a death.
The sensation is near akin to that of a grapefruit-sized stone being dropped into your belly. It is a heavy weight to bear, and with it it brings nausea. Your body responds to this sadness and your mind is confused once more. "I thought I had moved on. I thought I had reached complete healing."

Here's the truth. You do reach a great healing, especially if you are constantly working on your mental, spiritual and physical wellness, however, what you may not realize is that as mentioned above, there will always be a trigger - usually out of nowhere - that says 'Hello, remember me...you used to know a different life...and now it's gone.'

While we rejoice in moving forward, sometimes these pains that return (hopefully for a short time, even a mere blip) can set us back. The heart and mind battle. Anxiety can overrule and begin to cause you to think that maybe you have gone crazy...maybe you made a mistake...but in reality, the truth is that getting out of a bad situation is the healthiest choice to make. Don't allow your mind to convince your gut and heart that you should return because the pain ebbs and flows. This is natural.

It seems that through the process of divorce there are so many little mile-markers and new experiences that come. Most of the time they are expected, but in some cases they are surprises.
I knew that I would date again, and so would my former spouse.
What was not anticipated was the emotional breakdown and gut-wrenching heartache I would feel when learning of the new girlfriend. Though this was to be expected and I had done much healing, the actual moment of knowing there was another woman in the life of a man who was my husband at one point broke me down. I fell into a state of depression and severe anxiety for 2 months.
Then I healed and moved on. I learned how to better cope with this kind of news. Of all the heartache that comes with divorce, there will be great moments of peace and clarity. In these times it is imperative to record these thoughts and feelings in a journal.

Journaling has been an intense healer, a way to reflect on what I was experiencing at several different 'pit stops' along the road to healing and most importantly seeing the pattern of my emotions and what would make things better or worse. In times of depression journaling also helped to release the flood of despair. It is therapeutic. For some it may not come as naturally to write feelings, but as with everything in life the more it is practiced the better the skill will become.

Another pit-stop is dating and trust. This is for another entry as I would like to delve into this a bit deeper. What surprises me most about this is how divorce and the experiences of my marriage have affected my sense of trust and created fear towards developing new relationships.

Though each new step along the way has challenged me to where it felt as though I would break, I have survived. There is a really neat quote that I love. It says, "You have survived 100% of everything in your life. You can make it through this!"

And you can!

A Hard Road to Travel

This last month has been an interesting one...for the last few weeks it's been a mystery what should be written next. There are some personal experiences that have been on my mind a lot, and at some point need to be shared, but it's definitely from a more difficult time in my life. And, honestly, I believe that there are thousands and thousands of women/girls that have experienced a certain degree of this part of my story. Mine is not quite the extreme, but it was enough that if I hadn't been able to overcome it, it would have easily devastated my life.

Being around young women a lot, having become close or listened to conversations about how they view themselves has disappointed me. A little ways back I wrote a post on self worth. The quote that I personally came up with (and if someone else has heard it elsewhere then I suppose it's not originally mine) went something like this, "When self-worth is based on how the world sees us, we will never be enough. When self-worth is based on how God sees us, we will ALWAYS be enough."

Sadly, there are a very high percentage of teen girls, mid-twenties, and so on and so forth up the ages, that have never felt appreciative and accepting of who they are. The core of every person is so uniquely made yet I fear that we spend most of our time trying to change what makes us 'us'.

Let me begin with my story. This is a vulnerable place to be in, and so bear with me as I share very personal experiences, yet they are not mine to keep but to show any young girl/woman reading this how devastating and damaging it WILL be to continue down the path of self-hate.

For a long time I didn't think anything horrible about myself, in fact, it didn't begin until about late Junior High...maybe it's when hormones started or maybe it was that point that there became a distinction between the 'cool' or 'popular' kids versus the - well - 'not-so-cool' kids. I'm not sure where I fit in and though the friends I had were always wonderful and kind people, there was a sense of self-doubt that came along with the evil word I befriended for too long - Comparison.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the adversary seeks to destroy many women through the avenue of self-hate. Think about this...how we see ourselves drives our decisions in life. How we feel about ourselves is eventually how we will treat others. That right there can have such a profound impact on not only our personal life, but the lives of all those that we come in contact with - especially with our spouses and our children!

In High School I really didn't think I had a problem at all. In fact, the skipping of meals seemed to be the only way to achieve the look I wanted. Rail thin. Because from what the 'ever-so-smart-and-all-knowing' media and world taught and still teaches, was/is that a beautiful woman could not be curvy and soft. No, she must look like a stick.
In order for me to achieve this look and become attractive to all those handsome high school boys it would have to come at the sacrifice of food because let's face it - my genetic makeup is NOT anywhere near rail thin.

Most of the time the starvation was so overwhelming that mid afternoon I would finally break down and eat. Sometimes the day would go 'as a success' and I wouldn't eat until dinner, but by that point in time I felt ravenous and would binge. The disappointment that came from eating only fueled my hopes to succeed the next day and my obsession grew. Soon the upset of these daily failures were all that I could focus my attention towards. At this point my school work suffered because I didn't care about grades or studying. I became angry at my friends and family. Heavy depression set in. I resented my parents and treated them quite horribly.

Many times my dad would sit at the table and say quite sternly, "you are not allowed to leave til your plate is cleared."
I would take a few bites and fib that I was full when in fact the food tasted so amazing I wanted to eat everything on the table. He made me eat til it was all gone and I was so angry at him for it. He would explain how the body works when it came to starvation. Those that lived long, long ago were able to survive harsh winters when hunting was scarce by adapting. The body says, "hey, I'm going hold on to all this fuel because soon I'll be in the middle of winter and must prepare for the period of starvation."
These insightful words from my dad were a source of anger and resentment. My emotions were volatile during this period. Imagine a teenage girl with the expected ups and downs, then add to that a a constant inner voice of hate...it was absolutely brutal and quite frankly the darkest period in my life. It lasted for four years.
Many times I stood in front of the mirror and told myself how horrible of a person I was. How ugly and fat and that nobody liked me. Just writing that makes me shudder. I was living with my own worst enemy!
 I still remember the first time I tried bulimia, which came as another whirlwind of disappointment being that I have the inability to throw-up. Even during my pregnancies with how incredibly sick I became my body nearly refuses to throw-up. I am so grateful for this because had I been successful at my try with bulimia, I am quite certain that the eating disorder period of my life would have spiraled down a long and dangerous hole.
It's pretty crazy and upsetting to recall all those years that were wasted and fueled by false, negative beliefs.

For a long time I believed I was the only one experiencing this, but later in my senior year I found out that several girls in the school were struggling just as I was. And for some reason this shocked me. Why you may ask? Because in my eyes these girls were beautiful and what I wished I could be; to find out that they were in the same pit of self-hate was unbelievable.

It took me a while to help myself, and I received help from a therapist. I struggled with the thoughts of self-hate for many years, in to my twenties actually. What helped me to get out was a conscious effort to develop a healthy relationship with food along with learning what I could about the body and how it works. Knowing what I now know continues to be a strength whenever those thoughts come back (because they still haunt me and I believe they always will).
The difference at this point in my life is I am very strong and I have made a choice that those thoughts are no longer allowed to be part of my life. They do not bring joy, acceptance or love. They do not help me to become a better person. The only thing those thoughts add to my life are complete and utter darkness, therefore, I have trained myself to squash them immediately. They can not be entertained, not even in the slightest.

For those of you suffering from this debilitating-at-times trial, know that it is possible to make it through and recover. It is a hard road that must be traveled with determination and perseverance. Most importantly, it must be done with a renewed sense of self-love and acceptance. Get help if you must and do it now. With love,
Rochelle

Read Reshaping it All by Candace Cameron Bure   
for a new perspective on how to love your body and have a spiritual love for your body.

The Road that Heals: Mental and Physical

When I spoke with my Stake President, shared what was in my heart and what brought me to make the decision to divorce rather than separate he looked at me and began to share wise counsel. What was going on in my mind you might ask? I remember it all vividly.
Here were my exact thoughts, 'I am going to be condemned for leaving. God will condemn me for splitting up my eternal family.'
And as those thoughts filled me with despair my Stake President stopped mid-sentence and looked me squarely in the eyes, "Sister. God will not condemn you. Do you understand?"
My heart almost stopped as these words resonated within me. How could he know that this had been troubling me? Peace came and he said with more conviction, "Sister. You will not be condemned for this choice."
And as he offered a sincere, most loving small smile, words came to me, 'This step is necessary. It must be done.'

Sharing this experience is hard, yet something inside me is prodding to let this go and be seen by someone that may need it in a moment of despair and darkness. This is how I held on to my decision with firm resolution throughout the entire grueling process that lasted a year.

How did healing come? In the middle of turmoil and pain it is almost impossible to see a future 'you' healed and happy, in fact, it is so far off that you may wish you could fall asleep until it was all over and awake renewed and whole. This is not how the refiner's fire works.
There is only ONE way to heal completely. To become whole once again.
It is God's way of healing. It is the atonement.

Remember that my experiences/situation is personal and individual - however - the atonement is applicable in EVERY case. Whether there is repenting that must be done or heartache to be healed...Christ is the very root of it all. No exceptions. Tonight the focus will be Mental and Physical healing. Following posts on healing will focus on Emotional and Spiritual.

Therapy:
My wise uncle advised me to get to a therapist. Not just any therapist, but an experienced professional who specializes in my particular situation and could properly utilize tools to help me move forward. This is where a lot of people may think they are above a 'shrink'. "It's a sham!" Many might say. Well..it isn't. Not at all. Find a therapist with the proper background and similar religious beliefs if at all possible. Sometimes it may take a few tries to get the right fit for you, but sometimes you'll find that fit right from the start. Whatever your views may be of therapy, it is vital to healing. There were things I learned in sessions where my mind went 'A-HA!' and it all clicked. My brain had been trying for years prior to fix things or understand things in my circumstances and it could never truly make sense of it all - that is - until a professional who understood behaviors and the science behind it all could properly teach me the 'why'.
Often times I would come back home from a session and review what I had learned with my parents. It felt as thought I had just returned from school and finally learned to solve a complex math problem. "Oh...now it makes sense..."
My brain could wrap around concepts after years of 'confusion' and thus began a road to healing. Knowledge is powerful! Knowledge is healing!

Active:

Find something physically active that can fit into your life. Whether that's an at-home workout, gym, cycling, jogging outdoors, tennis, rock climbing...anything that gets the body up and off the couch or out of the work environment and producing endorphins. These are natural pain and stress fighters and when I am inactive during the day due to work or errands (inactive meaning that I do not get at least 30 minutes dedicated to working the body to a sweat) it is noticeable. My body has been under a regular workout routine consecutively (6 days a week) for almost three years. When I miss several days my mood shifts a little. Exercise produces great endorphins that keep my stress level down. It also helps me feel confident about myself, and let's face it - self esteem takes a bit of a hit when going through divorce and entering back into the world of singles. There is an extreme to all things and so be mindful that though exercise is vital for the body and mind, it can also become excessive. Find a 'happy' place where there is balance. Moderation in all things, right?


Uplifting media/entertainment:
There came a point that I began to throw out a lot of the media that used to occupy my ears and eyes. Not trashy by any means, but not uplifting. It is hard for me to read books nowadays that aren't filled with intellect or good morale. A lot of music holds no value, though the beat can be appealing, many times the lyrics are damaging to the spirit and 'dumb-down' intellect. I'm not saying everyone needs to stay away from entertainment and to throw away all your 'less-than-uplifting' media.
Honestly, after ridding my life of these books, movies and music, there came a day when they longer had any appeal whatsoever. There are movies I enjoy watching, however, I am selective. After some time I looked back to realize that I have become quite picky with what I spend my time viewing and reading. This is a suggestion that worked for me and has been a positive road to healing.

Make new Goals:
When life gets flipped upside down by divorce and the many new changes and routines that will come, it can be easy to fall into depression. It is natural to feel at a loss as to where to begin with this new life and path that is ahead. Many times I have thought, "where am I going now? What meaning does my life have?" "What use am I to the world?" I am a mother so DUH!! But also, it is imperative to remind yourself that while some of you may be mothers and needed in that regard, you are also a woman!! An individual. There is more to you than being a mother, let's not take away from the importance of this gift, but come to understand that becoming a better YOU as an individual will strengthen YOU as a mother and in the future - a wife once again. Because let's face it - most of us want companionship again.
The best thing I have done is to make new goals. Daily goals and long-term goals. For me a goal is going back to school to get a degree and pursue classical piano performance. This is exciting for me and it gives me something amazing and wonderful to work towards and attain. Such a goal helps to create those feelings of worth and accomplishment. Make goals and work towards them.
The idea of returning to a job full-time that I hate is less than appealing. So what I have done is found a way to sustain myself with the income needed while continuing to pursue a career goal that will fulfill my life. We are all given talents, and when we pursue the passion of these talents we will be happier in life. "..men are that they might have JOY." (2nd Nephi 2:25)

Get UP and DO:
My Cardiologist gave me very wise counsel. He told me "the past is the past. Now it is time to move forward." He gave some of the most wonderful advise as he said to make sure that I keep doing. Get up each day and move. Don't sit on the couch and sleep all day. Don't quite exercising. With emphasis he stated, "Sometimes we don't know what to do or where to start. But the most important thing is to JUST GET STARTED!"

So...whether or not you know what you should do or where you should go...Just start with something small. Eventually you will find guidance and direction and life will begin to reshape itself and mold into new routines. There is life and happiness after divorce, these things just simply take time.
With love,
Rochelle

Gathering Thoughts

It has been a few days since the post on Divorce and Healing should have been up on the BLOG. In fact, I almost hit the PUBLISH button the other day but had a strong feeling that it wasn't exactly what needed to be shared and so the last few days have been full of some deep pondering in what message I should relay in my experience with healing. How should I approach the topic and what parts of my personal experience/story should be shared?!

Hoping that tomorrow the post will be ready, until then, thanks for continuing to read.

The Many Losses of Divorce

There are two sides to every story and I am not going to divulge the details of mine, however, the purpose of this post is to share some of the losses of divorce. This is a battle that others have had to fight or are currently fighting and it is the most devastating, heartbreaking, horrendous battle to face (next to losing a loved one in death).
If I took every heart surgery, leg surgery, vocal paralysis, car accident and pregnancy/child birth - divorce tops every single one of them. By a long shot.
For those of you that are in the midst of this fight to 'rise back up' after divorce let me sincerely say that I wish I could be there to cry with you and if anything pray that there is a strong, loving support system to buoy you up.

What you lose in divorce.
Relationships. Many of them. Not just your spouse but their family - so your family. At times I thought that being mature adults, and having grown to love each other throughout a decade, that things would remain the same. But things change. And in the midst of all this you lose 'your' family - the one you married into. The family that you spent holidays, birthdays, and vacations with. It is heartbreaking. And then you also lose friends.
Home. I went from being the homemaker of my home to moving in with my parents (which is no complaint - in fact it has been the absolute biggest blessing - but the loss is still there.) It feels like something is missing. We sold our home and at the time of leaving I had to literally numb myself and so I didn't quite process the 'leaving' part until I recently returned and drove down that familiar street in auto-pilot and saw that home - someone elses home.
Companionship. This should be the first on the list. Because this is the greatest loss of all. No matter the reason for divorce - even though I was the one that left - this was the most heartbreaking of all. For a long time I had prepared myself for the emotions and consequences (good and bad) that would follow leaving.
It has taken an entire year of intense healing to recover. For a solid 12 months I experienced waves of grief and guilt that consumed my emotional and mental health. When you divorce it is like unto experiencing a death on so many levels. The death of a spouse. The stages of grief (you can read about grief in this post HERE) were cyclical. There were several weeks where that bright light of hope was so far off in the distance that I wondered if peace would ever return, and when it did, I held onto that feeling as if my life depended on it.
You lose your best friend. Your marriage. Your eternal spouse. Your 'other half'.
MOST importantly - EVEN WHEN you receive that undeniable confirmation of the spirit testifying that your choice is GOD'S WILL - you will feel a chain wrap around you pulling you back into that situation you chose to leave. Just because it is right does not in any way negate that you will be without the urge to return. I liken this urge to a drug addict (as much as can be from my perspective being that I've never taken drugs). There is a withdrawal phase. Mentally and emotionally you will experience the pull...the withdrawal...no matter how devastating it would be to return your mind and heartache will convince you that going back would solve all the turmoil. There are so many women that are in a situation like mine that do return.
The ONLY reason I was able to fight this pull was the incredibly clear confirmation that my decision was God's will. If you have experienced this pull/urge to return then you understand perfectly what I am referring to.
Two parent home. When you divorce with children it is a whole new world that opens up. You go from a two parent home to a joint custody home (or shared, or sole depending on situation). In my case I went from seeing my children every day and every night to saying goodbye from two to five days at a time. Included in there is saying goodbye during the off holidays. I didn't have my children for Christmas last year and my heart never felt so empty that morning without them. In the midst of this loss came my parents and siblings to the rescue and they truly were tender mercies. My Christmas ended up being quite joyful.
As a mother you worry all the time in the beginning, and suddenly find that you've worried yourself sick because those beautiful children are no longer in your full-time care. And it hurts. You may become angry because this wasn't how you planned to raise your children and it all doesn't seem quite fair. But then again, we signed up for life and all the challenges that come with it, so eventually you may decide to figure out how to process this change and move forward. Soon adjustment comes and you get into a routine with the new custody. Life does continue, even if it is hard at times.
Expectations. Wherever you envisioned your life ending up, most of the time it wasn't in divorce. The loss of that 'so-called-happily-ever-after-life' and plans of the future are shattered. It is hard to swallow this new reality at times, the shock and denial a bit surreal, but eventually the shock wears off. Even though the what-should-have-beens take up too much space in your mind, with healing this loss will become nothing more than acceptance and you will move ahead with new hopes and dreams.

Tomorrow I will focus on healing from the many losses of divorce.

Let me leave this with you for those that are dealing with divorce.

There will be times that all of this is too much to bear. In many moments of grief over the last year I simply had to take one hour at a time. And then the hours became a day. Suddenly I would wake up and think, 'wow! I survived yesterday. When it seemed like my heart could not take anymore I somehow made it through. So that means I can survive today.' Many times I went from day-to-day just forging ahead and getting through so that I could wake up the next day and push through that day. There is no sugar-coating this process and the intense cycles of ups and downs it brings.

But now I am healed. And one day you will be healed too. There is so much I could share, yet I know it isn't appropriate or the right time for certain things. They are personal, and the majority of my experiences will be kept from the public eye, however, there is still a lot that I believe can be of help or encouragement and so I will continue to share what I feel directed to.
With much love,
Rochelle

The Voice of Character

While working as a secretary/receptionist for a small yet wonderful engineering company (an enormous blessing at that time), I had taken off the entire month of March and most of April for heart surgery and slowly began to work my way back into things. Going back for a full eight-hour day seemed like cake...HA!

I remember my dad picking me up after two hours at the office. Never had my body fatigued so quickly before. At 19 it felt as if I had aged to that of an eighty-year-old. Every rib hurt, every muscle in my back ached. "This is going to take longer than I thought," I forced the words to my dad on the ride home. The vocal paralysis was still fresh at this point in time.

Up until the miraculous recovery in late June, it was still necessary to sip on any liquid and swallow tiny amounts of food slowly or it would go down the wind pipe and immediately come right back up.

This was a difficult time not only due to the recovery physically and emotionally, but the inability to easily communicate with my family and friends greatly discouraged me.

People say that you can choose to be offended. This is correct. However, there are things that people say that ARE offensive and ARE hurtful. So how is it that we choose to respond? Do we dwell on these comments and become more and more hurt/enraged?

I had become so horribly embarrassed at how I sounded that in public I refused to talk, and when I were to take a chance and voice something to those around me, strangers would stare. It became clear to me that the ability to deal with the stares was not quite my forte. Soon I learned that I truly cared too much what people thought. Here I was, having survived a 5th heart surgery and in recovery yet I felt weak at the strange looks shot my way due to the sound of my voice.

Something had to be learned here - and it was learning not to take offense.

I still remember sitting in church, feeling a great desire to voice a spiritual prompting that came to my mind. 'But they will stare.' I thought. Then felt peace come over me. It didn't matter what anyone thought. And I was in church, so it was a safe place.

Raising my hand, the woman leading the lesson called on me and I began to share what had filled my heart. Stopping me abruptly, the woman loudly said, "Please. Stop. You don't need to talk anymore."
I was confused, so I said, "I wasn't finished."
She shook her head, "Please don't talk anymore. You don't sound good."
Did that really just happen? I mean - really?

My face went flush and my heart raced faster. Embarrassment filled me and all I wanted to do was run out, but that would attract more attention so I sat there the rest of the class and kept my mouth closed and blinked back tears.

There were many experiences like this one, where people became quickly uncomfortable and would stop me and advise me to 'just stop talking,' or say immediately, 'you sound horrible.'

One very vivid memory is when I had gone back to work towards more full-time status. The owner of the company needed me to contact a local business and as it was the year 2005 the most reliable resource at that time was a phone book. The number was dialed, yet I somehow flipped the last two digits.

"Hello?" Came a woman's voice.
"Hi, I am looking for--" I can't remember what the call was about, but the woman on the other line began to chuckle slightly.
"Miss, this is an institution for the insane."
"Oh, I definitely have the wrong number." I said, flustered, voice barely audible and sounding like a croaking frog. Swallowing hard didn't do much to help as I had hoped it would.
She responded with some humor in her voice, yet very matter-of-fact, "You sure you're not looking for us? You definitely sound like you belong here."
I politely said goodbye, hung up the phone and felt large tears stream down my face. At this point it wasn't known yet if my voice would ever come back or have the ability to be 'normal'.
Later through frustration and tears I relayed the experience to my parents, their hearts breaking that someone might be so careless.

And that's the thing...a lot of times people are careless, heartless, offensive, all sorts of not-so-nice. Yet, we are placed in situations under, at times, less than desirable circumstances to have a chance to show our true character. How strong are we in the midst of belittlement? How is it that we respond to abrasive words and sarcastic remarks? It is important to remember that we must never become someones punching bag, we have a right to stand up for ourselves, but someone with true character is able to learn how to respond with firm conviction, always keeping in line with their beliefs and NEVER returning with belittlement and sarcasm to fight the offender.

At times I reflect on these moments of the past and think, "wow! I really failed that one!" Yet the important thing I am missing is that slowly and surely, these experiences have molded me and though they look as failures, they have become stepping stones to building a stronger character.

It's amazing how miraculous the healing of the vocal chord came - how it lasted for almost three years before medical intervention became necessary. The pain of the paralysis was debilitating at times, and to this day - though it has been corrected - I still find times when that pain returns and it hurts to speak - it feels forced - but no matter what I am ALWAYS grateful for the gift of speech.
Just as we all should be.